You Build Us Back

I went for a walk this evening. A late winter's walk on our quiet, curving road. The moonlight illuminated the snow and lit my path. As I gazed at the sky, the stars and the clouds came together in a beautiful array. The moon was very bright, and as the clouds closed in, a halo began to surround it. A moondog. Spectacular. I walked on the snow-laden dirt road, singing and thinking and praying and confiding in my God and Savior and Dearest Friend.

I have a harder time finding moments like these in Moorhead, as much as I love it there. I like being home. I like seeing the lake as it begins to open up. Last year I got to watch it open up completely. That was beautiful. I love watching Creation awaken again as Winter melts away to unveil the beauty and newness of Spring. This Winter has been one of the longest I've ever known. The Hope of Spring stirs my heart in ways deeper than I have ever known before...it reminds me so deeply of the Promises we have from our God. Promises of complete renewal, complete redemption, complete restoration. Revelation 21 always comes to mind, especially the first five verses. "Behold, I make all things NEW" -Revelation 21:5 

The Joy of the Resurrection. How Beautiful. 

lemon meringue "pi" :) 

Today was Terry's birthday. He would have been 65. 3/14 and Pi day. He loved math, and he loved pie. Especially lemon meringue. He came to every one of my birthdays. He was always there. He always helped me when I needed to understand something with math, and although I don't remember us eating pie together while we worked on my math homework, I do remember having bread pudding. That was so special. So very special. So very precious. 

We helped Margo clean their house today. We spent all morning together after we cleaned. We had coffee and cookies and laughed and shared memories. So many memories there. I thought of him a lot as I vacuumed. Every corner has a memory. I helped Margo lift something, so she could dust, and she told me that that's what Terry would always do for her. I like being at their house. When I'm there, I miss him so much, but just to be there and missing him...well, I like that better than being anywhere else and missing him.  

It's really nice to write about him. It really helps. The whole reason I started writing this was because I stumbled upon a beautiful song. It was one of those moments when you hear a song that just resonates with your own heart. This may bring me back to the beginning. As I embarked on that beautiful late-winter stroll, I began to pour my heart out to my Savior and Friend. I told Him again of the brokenness that remains, the mangled heart and tattered soul within me. How I just don't understand. How I long for wholeness again. How lost and alone and shaken I feel. That's one thing about death. You become so acutely aware of the consequences of living in a sinful, fallen, broken world. You become so acutely aware of the separation, the isolation, the emptiness, and the brokenness. 

I wrote this earlier this week: When I cry and weep, it is with Hope. I greatly miss my loved ones. I know I will see them again. I know I will be with them again. But right now, I weep for a relationship that is broken, a fellowship that has been broken, for dreams lost...by death, by sin. Because this is not what God Created. Death is the result of sin. Now, my hope is in the Promise that I will see them again. The only beautiful thing about death, is that my loved ones are no longer in this place of suffering and pain and sin, they are with God, in fellowship with Him. And that is my longing too...to be with God, to be with them. To be in fellowship with God alongside them. Eternity was written on our hearts. This weeping and grieving I have is because I am homesick, but I have a Hope deeper than words.

And this Hope is from God. He is Faithful. He is Good. He is Beautiful. And He shall redeem and restore us. He Will Build Us Back. And this song voices and proclaims that most precious Hope. 

¹¹O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires.
 ¹²And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones.
 ¹³And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.
-Isaiah 54:11-13

In the Arms of My Dear Savior...

I feel like it's been long enough...I'm weary of being weary. I'm tired of the moments when the pain just washes over me once again, in the moments I least expect. Something sparks a memory, and it reminds me again of what's been lost. The broken hearts of so many...the many lives torn apart by death, by sin, by this tattered ground we walk upon.                                                                                   
Friday night and much of Saturday, I found myself pounded by intense grief, pain, and sorrow once more. And the enemy was whispering lies to my heart relentlessly...lies about my pain and sorrow, lies about my worth, lies about who I am in Christ.  Terrible, terrible lies. And I allowed them to wash over me. Battered by guilt, shame, condemnation, self-pity, thoughts of worthlessness...  

Where Could I Go? - Adie Camp

I am not worthy!! I am not. I am broken and sinful and selfish and torn apart by sin. Deserving of death. And that is the Truth. And yet, the far deeper, more beautiful, redeeming, life-giving Truth is that by the Precious Blood and Sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I am made WHOLE. I am made NEW. I am FORGIVEN. Not by anything I have done, not by anything I could ever do or prove. But because of GRACE. ONLY by the Blood of Jesus. Given by the Grace of God. I am completely undeserving. Completely. And yet He loves me. He created me. He finds me precious and beautiful. He treasures me and rejoices when I look to Him, when I call upon His Name, when I have fellowship with Him. What Love is this? It's beyond anything this earth could ever have to offer us. He unveils His Heart to me and sings to me the song of my heart. He breathes life into me. He transforms me. He invites me in and He delights in me. He speaks His Promises into my life and I am changed. He is near to me. He provides for me. I am not my own. I am not alone. I have been praying to truly know and understand my identity in Him. I am His. His daughter, His beloved. And He is my Savior, my Righteousness, my Life, my Strength, my Song. I will not allow selfish pride and false humility tell me anything different any longer. I will rest in His Truth and His Promises. I am His. Washed by the Precious Blood of Jesus.


At church at River City this morning, we sang this beautiful hymn during communion. After being battered so relentlessly, and so overcome with sorrow, I felt unworthy again to draw near to Him. Fear assailed my heart and grief and mourning hearkened deeper still...

Come Ye Sinners - Scott Krippayne

And once more...He showed me His incredible Faithfulness...His Love...His Love, deeper than I could ever understand, enveloped me and He asked me to rest...to continue to rest in Him and trust in Him with all that I am. In every moment. As I walk through this wilderness...through this storm. He will hold my hand and lead me. He will carry me. He will bring me rest. He will fill my heart with peace, with joy, with hope. Deeper and deeper with Him. And I will rest in the Shelter of His Wings.

Yes. I am torn. I am broken, I am wounded, I am weary. I long to be whole again. I long for what was lost. But nothing is ever truly lost in Him. He will restore. He will renew. Completely. I will one day have fellowship with my loved ones. And we will be together with Him and in Him. There will be a day. He will come in Glory.

And I offer my dear friend to Him...I know that He is faithful and His works are mighty. He is Mighty to Save. He is working on her heart. Prayer is powerful. He is working on her heart and moving in her life. I believe this is true.

He asks me to be patient with myself. He asks me to allow Him to guide me through my days, through my grief and sorrow. Along this path, this winding, narrow road. And He calms my soul. He will mend my broken heart in His Perfect Time. For He is Faithful.

"All who sail the sea of faith, find out before too long, how quickly blue skies can grow dark and gentle winds grow strong. Suddenly fear is like white water pounding on the soul. Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control. Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace, be still. He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close, and lets the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm...and other times He calms His child."

Carry Me - Audrey Assad

Psalm 57

57:1 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me,
for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge,
till the storms of destruction pass by.
2  I cry out to God Most High,
to God who fulfills his purpose for me.
3  He will send from heaven and save me;
he will put to shame him who tramples on me. Selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!

4 My soul is in the midst of lions;
I lie down amid fiery beasts—
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.

5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

6 They set a net for my steps;
my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way,
but they have fallen into it themselves.
7  My heart is steadfast, O God,
my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody!
8 Awake, my glory! [2]
Awake, O harp and lyre!
I will awake the dawn!
9  I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples;
I will sing praises to you among the nations.
10  For your steadfast love is great to the heavens,
your faithfulness to the clouds.

11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens!
Let your glory be over all the earth!

I Will See Your Glory

"One thing I've really learned...is that prayer really is powerful. It is the moment when hope seems to be the most lost, that God's Glory is most beautifully unveiled. He answers every prayer...in His Perfect Way, in His Perfect Time...even when it seems impossible and hopeless. He specializes in the impossible. And He loves you. You are beautiful and treasured and precious to Him..."

"He will...He really will [answer every prayer]. But sometimes we have to wait...and that is so hard...but He asks us to trust that He will bring beauty from ashes, that He will bring Justice, Grace, Mercy, Light, Peace and Love from the pain and sorrow and brokenness. And it's hard, because the Enemy will pound us down and batter us with doubt, fear, despair,and lies about who we are and who we are meant to be. But His Love is greater...His Love is far more glorious and beautiful...and He is coming for His Bride."

These words...these words were not my own...but they opened my eyes to see the HOPE that has been deepening within me each and every day...even when all I seem to know is sorrow, pain, and brokenness.

There IS Life within me. There is Joy and Hope beyond all that seems to be despair and sadness.

A HOPE and JOY and LIFE and LIGHT and LOVE that is ETERNAL. 

"Surely You are coming quickly for us,
To receive Your glory
Jesus, to claim the earth as Your reward
Holy, in majesty unveiled with angels
And saints You have prepared to
Save us, as You have long since wanted to

And the gates of hell will not prevail

Chorus:
I will see Your glory shining in the heavens
Coming back to reign in the splendor of Your worth
You will be my One thing, I will be Your one dream
Always and forever, heaven here on earth

Fling wide the everlasting doors and shine forth
The veil is ever torn for
All men to see the greatness of Your power
As one we'll lift our voice to sing a new song
Great and marvelous are Your
Works Lord, Your judgments have been manifest


You will be my song in the night
My song in the night, I'm singing
You will be my strength in the fire
My strength in the fire, Lord Jesus."

http://new.music.yahoo.com/tim-reimherr/tracks/i-will-see-your-glory--59856189

1	O Lord, thou art my God; I will exalt thee, I will praise thy name; for thou hast done wonderful things; thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth.
2	For thou hast made of a city an heap; of a defenced city a ruin: a palace of strangers to be no city; it shall never be built.
3	Therefore shall the strong people glorify thee, the city of the terrible nations shall fear thee.
4	For thou hast been a strength to the poor, a strength to the needy in his distress, a refuge from the storm, a shadow from the heat, when the blast of the terrible ones is as a storm against the wall.
5	Thou shalt bring down the noise of strangers, as the heat in a dry place; even the heat with the shadow of a cloud: the branch of the terrible ones shall be brought low.
6	And in this mountain shall the LORD of hosts make unto all people a feast of fat things, a feast of wines on the lees, of fat things full of marrow, of wines on the lees well refined.
7	And he will destroy in this mountain the face of the covering cast over all people, and the veil that is spread over all nations.
8	He will swallow up death in victory; and the Lord GOD will wipe away tears from off all faces; and the rebuke of his people shall he take away from off all the earth: for the LORD hath spoken it.
9	And it shall be said in that day, Lo, this is our God; we have waited for him, and he will save us: this is the LORD; we have waited for him, we will be glad and rejoice in his salvation.
10	For in this mountain shall the hand of the LORD rest, and Moab shall be trodden down under him, even as straw is trodden down for the dunghill.
11	And he shall spread forth his hands in the midst of them, as he that swimmeth spreadeth forth his hands to swim: and he shall bring down their pride together with the spoils of their hands.
12	And the fortress of the high fort of thy walls shall he bring down, lay low, and bring to the ground, even to the dust.

            -Isaiah 25

He will make my feet like hinds' feet, and He will make me walk upon mine high places.

 Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:

 Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.

 The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.

-Habakkuk 3:17-19 

Faithful to the End

Wow...what just happened? I mean really, what just happened? It all feels like a dream. A dream that I can't wake up from. That's what I said when I found out Terry had died. The way I would lay awake at night, my heart just aching.

It's that's same nightmare again...what just happened?

A nice metaphor came to me recently...it makes sense in my head. It's like everything came crashing down all at once, I couldn't even absorb all that was going on. And now I'm standing here, shaking my head, just staring dumbly at the wreckage. Unsure of what to do. Unsure of how to go on. The pain and sorrow, a companion with whom I've become well-acquainted.

I want to write these thoughts down now. These feelings, these impressions, these heartaches, these longings and questions.

Because, I know, one day I will look back and smile at it. One day I will remember my journey through this valley. I will remember how upset, angry, torn, frustrated, confused, afraid, shaken, overwhelmed, and broken I was...

And I will look back and I will see how incredibly Faithful, Beautiful, Holy, Glorious, and True our God is. I will look back and remember how Jesus took me by the hand and walked with me the entire journey. How He carried me when I could not take another step. I will remember the tears that came in the night...when the pain was so great...I felt I didn't even know how to seek Him anymore. I will remember how it brought me to my knees, crying out for His Love and Comfort and Presence. How my heart began to burn for Him more deeply than I had ever felt before...and the songs I would sing as He filled my heart with Joy and Hope in the midst of that pain and sorrow. Deeper Joy and deeper Hope than I had ever experienced before, than I ever knew was possible. And I will remember how He took me deeper still. How He brought Beauty from ashes.

And He will use me to deliver His Love and Peace and Comfort to the weary and brokenhearted. This He has promised me. And I will trust Him. For He is Faithful and His Love is far greater, far deeper, far wider, far more beautiful...and He is GOOD.

As a deer pant for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
while they say to me continually,
"Where is your God?"
These things I remember,
as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng
and lead them into procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise,
a multitude keeping festival.

Why are you cast down, O my soul, 
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him.
my salvation and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
therefore I remember you 
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon
from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves 
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands His Steadfast Love,
and at night His Song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to the God, my rock:
"Why have you forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning
because of the oppression of the enemy?"
As with a deadly wound in my bones,
my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me continually,
"Where is your God?"


Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him,
My Salvation and my God.
 <3 <3 <3
-Psalm 42

This Psalm echoes the cries of my heart. He is Faithful to the End.

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.
 -Hebrews 10:23

From These Ashes, Beauty Will Rise

My heart aches. 

It aches for loved ones lost. For the innocence and purity of childhood. It aches for this broken world. For all the brokenhearted, weary and afraid. It aches for those who are consumed by bitterness and fear. It aches for those who are bound and blinded by sin. It aches for every heart to know the Savior, Redeemer, Lover, and King. It aches for its Heavenly Home. For His Presence. It aches to know Him, to fall in Love with Him more and more deeply. To be with Him. To be romanced by Him. To rest in His Comfort and Love and Peace, and His Perfect Understanding.

There are moments when the tears just fall.

This grieving heart of mine is sacred. It is my offering and my prayer. In the aching pain, I surrender my heart to Jesus. He takes my hand and leads me through the valley. He provides for me, and His Grace covers me. Each day, He unveils to me such beauty to be found in the midst of the pain and sorrow. I fall deeper and deeper in Love with Him, and He teaches me to rest in His Perfect Love. Though I am weary and afraid, I rest in the Shelter of His Wings. My God and My Father does not leave me. He draws near to me and carries me through the pain and uncertainty. He is Holy and Mighty and Tender and Loving and Gentle and Kind and everything I have ever longed for.

My Heart Is Spoken For. And I surrender, deeper and deeper, recklessly abandoned to His Love. And it is more beautiful than I can imagine, than I can comprehend. And I long to go deeper still, to seek and to know my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer, and my King. And one day, I will meet Him face to face.

And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming. . . . How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.
1 John 2:28, 3:1, 3

"God does not tell us we will not have sorrows. He tells us that He will be our comfort in sorrow. He does not tell us we will not have tears. He tells us He will be there with us to wipe our tears away. He does not tell us there will not be times to mourn. He tells us that on the other side of that mourning is the promise of joy indescribable."


For Thou dost light my lamp; The LORD my God illumines my darkness.  
-Psalm 18:28 

And from these ashes, beauty will rise.


"Come, everyone who thirsts, 
come to the waters;
and he who has no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without price. 
Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,
and your labor for that which does not satisfy?
Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, 
and delight yourselves in rich food.
Incline your ear, and come to me;
hear, that your soul may live;
and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,
my steadfast, sure love for David.
Behold, you shall call a nation that you not know,
and a nation that did not know you shall run to you, 
because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,
for he has glorified you.
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him, 
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thought are not your thoughts, neither are my way your ways,
declares the LORD.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven
and do not return there but water the earth, 
making it bring forth and sprout, 
giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,
so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth;
it shall not return to me empty,
but it shall accomplish that which I purpose,
and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it.
For you shall go out in joy, and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress;
instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle;
and it shall make a name for the LORD,
an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off."

-Isaiah 55

Through the Storm

I know that this time of sorrow is beautiful...I know beyond all the pain and tears and awful feelings that accompany grief, He is faithful. It just hurts SO much. It's so hard to understand why all this has to happen at once. It's like that bad dream all over again. I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself, but it's so hard. There is so much pain to face, it's almost unbearable. 

And now the guilt and shame has erupted...I remember it when Terry passed away. There are such awful thoughts that come...

"I didn't mean that much to him, that's why I didn't deserve to say 'goodbye'."

"I didn't say enough or do enough when he was alive...I never appreciated him enough or expressed my love enough."

"I shouldn't be so sad, I should be okay by now, or at least not so broken up...He's in Heaven now, and it's just selfish to miss him this much..."

They are awful thoughts...but they come even if I know they are not true...only the Truth of God, and time in His Presence, seems to dispel them. What is terrible, is that these very thoughts fill me with such guilt and shame, that I find it so difficult to enter His Presence. I don't want to face them for what they really are. They are LIES, and I don't want to believe them or dwell on them for one moment. But I do...and I allow them to eat away at my heart. This brings a cloud of anger and apathy and unrest. I am left deeply longing for Peace and Rest again. I am left with a cry in my heart and hunger that can only be satisfied by Jesus. 

Tonight I let fear and unrest overcome me...I had no strength left. I felt that I had nothing left. So much sorrow, so much despair, so much loss. I turned to that which leaves me empty in the end. Although it filled me for a time with memories and longings for the innocence of childhood...it could not satisfy me. When I could no longer suppress the sorrow, I found my hands empty once again, still desperately grasping for something to make me feel whole again, or at least quell the pain for a bit longer.

It was in that moment, I had to face the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the apathy, the emptiness, the heartache, the guilt, the shame, the failure, the sin. I had not the strength to face any of it. I finally cried out to Jesus, and confessed that I needed Him. I began to run to Him, and I cried out to Him that I may rest in the Shelter of His Wings. I was afraid for all that time that He would reject me in my shame and brokenness, even though I knew that could never be so. I had felt abandoned. I had felt alone. I had felt hopelessness. And He broke through the darkness with the Light of His Love and Truth, His Kindness and Compassion, His Strength and Peace. He unveiled His Glory and Beauty and Love to me deeper than I have ever known before. He met me in the place of my sorrow, He took my hand and whispered to me "You are not alone. I love you, and I will never leave you." 

I've walked a road similar to this before. A road of change and incredible uncertainty. He took my hand then too, and He showed me His Love and Majesty as I had never known before. He began to show me how deeply He cares and understands, how He alone can satisfy. That He is the only Source of the Joy and Peace and Love and Wholeness I have always longed for. And now, as this sorrow and uncertainty deepens, so my relationship with my Lord and Savior and Greatest Friend will deepen. He is calling me to walk on through this storm, my hand in His, and to take Him at His Word. To trust in Him and Love Him with all my Heart and Soul and Mind and Strength. To discover, more and more, the incredible Majesty, Glory, Beauty, and Love of our Savior and God. 

To The Cross by Paul Baloche

Grace Has Called My Name by Kathryn Scott

Still by Hillsong United

Our God is Faithful.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10