Through the Storm

I know that this time of sorrow is beautiful...I know beyond all the pain and tears and awful feelings that accompany grief, He is faithful. It just hurts SO much. It's so hard to understand why all this has to happen at once. It's like that bad dream all over again. I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself, but it's so hard. There is so much pain to face, it's almost unbearable. 

And now the guilt and shame has erupted...I remember it when Terry passed away. There are such awful thoughts that come...

"I didn't mean that much to him, that's why I didn't deserve to say 'goodbye'."

"I didn't say enough or do enough when he was alive...I never appreciated him enough or expressed my love enough."

"I shouldn't be so sad, I should be okay by now, or at least not so broken up...He's in Heaven now, and it's just selfish to miss him this much..."

They are awful thoughts...but they come even if I know they are not true...only the Truth of God, and time in His Presence, seems to dispel them. What is terrible, is that these very thoughts fill me with such guilt and shame, that I find it so difficult to enter His Presence. I don't want to face them for what they really are. They are LIES, and I don't want to believe them or dwell on them for one moment. But I do...and I allow them to eat away at my heart. This brings a cloud of anger and apathy and unrest. I am left deeply longing for Peace and Rest again. I am left with a cry in my heart and hunger that can only be satisfied by Jesus. 

Tonight I let fear and unrest overcome me...I had no strength left. I felt that I had nothing left. So much sorrow, so much despair, so much loss. I turned to that which leaves me empty in the end. Although it filled me for a time with memories and longings for the innocence of childhood...it could not satisfy me. When I could no longer suppress the sorrow, I found my hands empty once again, still desperately grasping for something to make me feel whole again, or at least quell the pain for a bit longer.

It was in that moment, I had to face the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the apathy, the emptiness, the heartache, the guilt, the shame, the failure, the sin. I had not the strength to face any of it. I finally cried out to Jesus, and confessed that I needed Him. I began to run to Him, and I cried out to Him that I may rest in the Shelter of His Wings. I was afraid for all that time that He would reject me in my shame and brokenness, even though I knew that could never be so. I had felt abandoned. I had felt alone. I had felt hopelessness. And He broke through the darkness with the Light of His Love and Truth, His Kindness and Compassion, His Strength and Peace. He unveiled His Glory and Beauty and Love to me deeper than I have ever known before. He met me in the place of my sorrow, He took my hand and whispered to me "You are not alone. I love you, and I will never leave you." 

I've walked a road similar to this before. A road of change and incredible uncertainty. He took my hand then too, and He showed me His Love and Majesty as I had never known before. He began to show me how deeply He cares and understands, how He alone can satisfy. That He is the only Source of the Joy and Peace and Love and Wholeness I have always longed for. And now, as this sorrow and uncertainty deepens, so my relationship with my Lord and Savior and Greatest Friend will deepen. He is calling me to walk on through this storm, my hand in His, and to take Him at His Word. To trust in Him and Love Him with all my Heart and Soul and Mind and Strength. To discover, more and more, the incredible Majesty, Glory, Beauty, and Love of our Savior and God. 

To The Cross by Paul Baloche

Grace Has Called My Name by Kathryn Scott

Still by Hillsong United

Our God is Faithful.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

-Isaiah 41:10