Let this be the only love song I write;
May You be the only Love in my life.
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run;
So though I walk through the valley, yet will I trust.
I asked You to call me, I said I would come;
So though I go up the mountain, yet will I run
Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You.
Though my heart be slain within me:
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow You.
Cause I know whatever You do, You do through the eyes of mercy,
And nothing can be added to it, nothing can be taken away.
There is a time for every purpose under the heavens'
So though my weeping may last for the night,
Oh how Your joy, it comes with the light. Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You. Though my heart be slain within me: Yet will I trust; yet will I follow after You.
It was March 2010, it had been 5 months since Terry passed away, and the pain and shock was still so heavy and devastating. I was on my way home, driving the distance by myself for the very first time. It was a time when going home meant having to face the emptiness, it meant having to face the cold hard fact that he was gone...that I wouldn't see him in the yard, I wouldn't hear his laughter, I wouldn't be greeted by his smiling face...it was so hard. I was listening to a Christian radio station, and the song "In Christ Alone" was playing. It was a beautiful rendition, and I was singing along.
Then it hit the very last verse:
"Til He returns, or calls me HOME."
There it was, the word "home". How my heart longed for it...for wholeness again, for fellowship again, for Him to finally wipe every tear from my eyes.
And I said to myself, "I would just love if that song Homesick would play by MercyMe...I just want to hear it right now, but that would never happen..."
There was some speaking before the next song, and I was pondering all this...and then suddenly...
I began to hear the instrumental introduction to that very song. Tears of joy and sadness just poured out. Joy because the beauty of just knowing that He had heard me, and what an expression of LOVE, COMFORT, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION for my broken, aching, longing heart. And what an affirmation of His Promises, what an encouragement, what a blessing. It was so, so beautiful. And I just cried, because every word penetrated my heart and soul. The sadness, the pain, the sorrow, the brokenness, the aching, the longings...HOMESICK. Longing for Home. Longing for wholeness. Longing for Jesus.
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
The following was written on my 21st birthday and the response, three months later, on the anniversary date. I have been healed deeply, but still, tears can come in an instant. That's what tragedy does. It doesn't leave you the same.
I just want to post this...it's a glance into a grieving heart. It is raw. It was written in the moment. That is what grief is sometimes...it's just, there. And it's just...really comforting to know how deeply God cares.
So...here it is...
My heart still aches. Ohh, I wanted you to be here with us so badly. It's not fair. I didn't want to watch her drive home to be alone. I hate that...I want you here. I wanted you to be there to tease me about boys, to joke and tell stories that would make us laugh so hard we cry. Now I'm crying because you are gone. I want to hear your voice sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I want to be near you, I want to sit down and talk to you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much it hurts. How much of a void there is here without you. Maybe that is why I feel so angry sometimes when I am home. I look across the yard, and you are not there. I long so badly to see you on your mower, to see you down by the water or out in your boat. For you to drive over and say "hello". I don't understand!!! I know, you're in a wonderful, beautiful place...I know you didn't want to leave us...but it was just far too incredible. I know that God has a plan...I know He is Good despite the pain that plagues my heart day in and day out. I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm sorry I miss you so much, still. Sometimes I don't realize why I'm hurting so much until I just cry...and think...and realize that...I'm still not okay yet...
God understands my grieving heart more than I ever could...
Does He ever give you insight?
I don't mean to be so sad. I just...really, really miss you.
I wish you would have been there to see me turn 21. Maybe you were looking down and smiling...
I love you.
Kaitlyn
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Today marks two years since the day when tragedy unfolded. Here we are, still hurting, remembering. Remembering you. And as beautiful it is to let go...sometimes that letting go means that we have to feel the pain that is still there...sometimes letting go means to take the Hand of the One who knows our own hearts and our needs more than we do...and allowing Him to cradle us as the waves billow over us once more. I have to slow down today...because I want to just push through this and say that I'm okay now. But, I don't think I am. And I am okay with that. Because healing isn't found when we ignore the ache of our hearts. It is found when we recognize it and offer it to the One who understands more than we ever could. More than anyone in this world ever could. The world keeps going, the world says "push on forward". I will. I will go forward. But in order to go forward, I must slow down and rest in the Arms of the One who Heals all wounds.
