Last year I found myself overwhelmed by the crashing waves of a sea of changes.
Now I find myself in the midst of more loss than I have ever known before. The losses of the previous year are now compounded by these present losses...and I'm not sure what to say, what to think, what to feel, what to do...
But, I know Who to run to, Who to turn to, Who to rest in when there seems to be no rest. The Source of Hope, the Source of Peace, the Source of Comfort and Love.
I now have to say "goodbye" to childhood, "goodbye" to the way things used to be, "goodbye" to the dreams I had for the way I hoped everything would be...and what is beautiful about this, is that in an even deeper way; I can say "Hello" to all that God has for me, all the wonders He has in store, and rejoice more and more in all that He is in my life.
And now, I may walk through a storm...and this road of grieving has not and will not be easy, I now know I don't have to walk it alone. I am not all right. I am broken. In a broken world...there is pain, sorrow, grief, death, and sin...but He restores, He renews, He holds our hearts, He carries us through...and His Love is so much greater than all of the brokenness.
"Jesus Wept." He understands, and He pours out comfort and healing in so many wonderful, incredible, beautiful ways.
"When my world is shaking, Heaven stands. When my heart is breaking, I never leave Your Hands."
But now says the Lord,
He who created you, O Jacob
He who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine,
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through the fire you shall not be burned,
God has done AMAZING works lately. I'm not sure where to begin. He is ALWAYS working in incredible ways...and truly what He has for His Children is more wonderful than we can even imagine. I'm still attempting to absorb it all. I'm glad I have all eternity to attempt to do so. Eternity with Him...in His Presence ALWAYS. That is the most wonderful part of it. I keep discovering, the more my heart and mind are set on eternity, the more joy-filled and peace-filled I am. When my eyes are set on His Face and not the crashing waves, my soul rests.
I'm having a hard time not looking at the waves right now...and I know I need time in His Presence. I see so much death and despair right now, and it's really painful. I have yet to face it. Sometimes there is so much pain, I just don't want to go there, I'm too afraid. I'm so afraid right now, but I know I must face it soon, while resting in His Strength. I have yet to see it with my own eyes, I suppose. I've only heard about it. At this point it's easier just to believe it is not real. As soon as I really face it, I have to face so much else as well. And so right now, I dwell here in something resembling apathy, although the Peace of God abides beneath it all.
I know beyond all of this, His Love is SO much greater. I know once I really do face all of this, I'll truly be able to look forward to His Coming in an even deeper anticipation and joy. That doesn't mean that grieving and mourning is unnecessary.
"Rejoice with those who rejoice, mourn with those who mourn" -Romans 12:15
I know that surely He will turn all of our mourning into dancing.
As I write all of this, everything is becoming clearer. I'm starting to see it all in the Light of Truth instead of hopelessly wondering why I'm unable to feel or cry yet...but I know this will come soon. His Light is breaking through the darkness, He is dispelling the shadow!! I am filled with His Joy and Peace again!!!
As I begin writing this, my heart was filled with unrest, deeply hungering for His Presence and for Rest in His Promises. As I began to express all of this in words...it all seemed to fade away in the Light of His Truth...and that is SO BEAUTIFUL.
I never finished writing this completely...I had originally intended to write more. The following morning, the tears finally came. A very close family friend had passed away. It was a nice day, I was able to talk with an old friend, and later we were able to visit his home. I had grown up there...I spent much of the first half of my life there. From the time I was 6 weeks old, until I was too old to go to daycare anymore. We played in the old playroom. We found the old puzzles and games we used to play, and their great-granddaughter even found an old naked Barbie doll and was waving it in the air. We were able to laugh together...it was really nice. It was really special. It was a gift from God.
It is painful, it is difficult, and I have a hard time knowing how and what to feel. It seems so similar to last year...last Christmas break was so filled with sadness and brokenness. I still don't know what to feel...there is a lot of pain. I don't feel like I'm ready to start the grieving process again. What a blessing, he and his wife were like another grandmother and grandfather to us. Like Margo and Terry...and Terry is gone too. He is with God now. And Martin too.
We visited Grandpa this Christmas too. He isn't there anymore. He's more distant than ever before...I miss when he would teach us Swedish words and giggle when we ask him what "drite bukse" means. He doesn't even remember the long-term anymore. Perhaps he's withdrawing further from the world...it was just, very sad...
It is well with my soul.
"When you walk, through a storm hold your head up high, and don't be afraid of the dark. At the end of the road is a golden sky, and the sweet silver song of the lark. Walk on through wind, walk on through the rain, though your dreams be tossed and blown. Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart, for you'll never walk alone."
Revelation 21
1And I saw a new heaven and a new earth: for the first heaven and the first earth were passed away; and there was no more sea.
2And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.
3And I heard a great voice out of heaven saying, Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and he will dwell with them, and they shall be his people, and God himself shall be with them, and be their God.
4And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
