Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no herd in the stalls:
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.
Wow...what just happened? I mean really, what just happened? It all feels like a dream. A dream that I can't wake up from. That's what I said when I found out Terry had died. The way I would lay awake at night, my heart just aching.
It's that's same nightmare again...what just happened?
A nice metaphor came to me recently...it makes sense in my head. It's like everything came crashing down all at once, I couldn't even absorb all that was going on. And now I'm standing here, shaking my head, just staring dumbly at the wreckage. Unsure of what to do. Unsure of how to go on. The pain and sorrow, a companion with whom I've become well-acquainted.
I want to write these thoughts down now. These feelings, these impressions, these heartaches, these longings and questions.
Because, I know, one day I will look back and smile at it. One day I will remember my journey through this valley. I will remember how upset, angry, torn, frustrated, confused, afraid, shaken, overwhelmed, and broken I was...
And I will look back and I will see how incredibly Faithful, Beautiful, Holy, Glorious, and True our God is. I will look back and remember how Jesus took me by the hand and walked with me the entire journey. How He carried me when I could not take another step. I will remember the tears that came in the night...when the pain was so great...I felt I didn't even know how to seek Him anymore. I will remember how it brought me to my knees, crying out for His Love and Comfort and Presence. How my heart began to burn for Him more deeply than I had ever felt before...and the songs I would sing as He filled my heart with Joy and Hope in the midst of that pain and sorrow. Deeper Joy and deeper Hope than I had ever experienced before, than I ever knew was possible. And I will remember how He took me deeper still. How He brought Beauty from ashes.
And He will use me to deliver His Love and Peace and Comfort to the weary and brokenhearted. This He has promised me. And I will trust Him. For He is Faithful and His Love is far greater, far deeper, far wider, far more beautiful...and He is GOOD.
As a deer pant for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me continually, "Where is your God?" These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them into procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him. my salvation and my God.
My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the LORD commands His Steadfast Love, and at night His Song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. I say to the God, my rock: "Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?" As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me continually, "Where is your God?"
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise Him, My Salvation and my God.
<3 <3 <3
-Psalm 42
This Psalm echoes the cries of my heart. He is Faithful to the End.
Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful. -Hebrews 10:23
It aches for loved ones lost. For the innocence and purity of childhood. It aches for this broken world. For all the brokenhearted, weary and afraid. It aches for those who are consumed by bitterness and fear. It aches for those who are bound and blinded by sin. It aches for every heart to know the Savior, Redeemer, Lover, and King. It aches for its Heavenly Home. For His Presence. It aches to know Him, to fall in Love with Him more and more deeply. To be with Him. To be romanced by Him. To rest in His Comfort and Love and Peace, and His Perfect Understanding.
There are moments when the tears just fall.
This grieving heart of mine is sacred. It is my offering and my prayer. In the aching pain, I surrender my heart to Jesus. He takes my hand and leads me through the valley. He provides for me, and His Grace covers me. Each day, He unveils to me such beauty to be found in the midst of the pain and sorrow. I fall deeper and deeper in Love with Him, and He teaches me to rest in His Perfect Love. Though I am weary and afraid, I rest in the Shelter of His Wings. My God and My Father does not leave me. He draws near to me and carries me through the pain and uncertainty. He is Holy and Mighty and Tender and Loving and Gentle and Kind and everything I have ever longed for.
My Heart Is Spoken For. And I surrender, deeper and deeper, recklessly abandoned to His Love. And it is more beautiful than I can imagine, than I can comprehend. And I long to go deeper still, to seek and to know my Lord, my Savior, my Redeemer, and my King. And one day, I will meet Him face to face.
And now, dear children, continue in him, so that when he appears we may be confident and unashamed before him at his coming. . . . How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him. Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. Everyone who has this hope in him purifies himself, just as he is pure.
1 John 2:28, 3:1, 3
"God does not tell us we will not have sorrows. He tells us that He will be our comfort in sorrow. He does not tell us we will not have tears. He tells us He will be there with us to wipe our tears away. He does not tell us there will not be times to mourn. He tells us that on the other side of that mourning is the promise of joy indescribable."
For Thou dost light my lamp; The LORD my God illumines my darkness. -Psalm 18:28
And from these ashes, beauty will rise.
"Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live; and I will make with you an everlasting covenant, my steadfast, sure love for David. Behold, you shall call a nation that you not know, and a nation that did not know you shall run to you, because of the LORD your God, and of the Holy One of Israel, for he has glorified you. Seek the Lord while he may be found; call upon him while he is near; let the wicked forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts; let him return to the LORD, that he may have compassion on him, and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon. For my thought are not your thoughts, neither are my way your ways, declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth, making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty, but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. For you shall go out in joy, and be led forth in peace; the mountains and the hills before you shall break forth into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress; instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle; and it shall make a name for the LORD, an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off." -Isaiah 55
I know that this time of sorrow is beautiful...I know beyond all the pain and tears and awful feelings that accompany grief, He is faithful. It just hurts SO much. It's so hard to understand why all this has to happen at once. It's like that bad dream all over again. I'm trying to be patient and gentle with myself, but it's so hard. There is so much pain to face, it's almost unbearable.
And now the guilt and shame has erupted...I remember it when Terry passed away. There are such awful thoughts that come...
"I didn't mean that much to him, that's why I didn't deserve to say 'goodbye'."
"I didn't say enough or do enough when he was alive...I never appreciated him enough or expressed my love enough."
"I shouldn't be so sad, I should be okay by now, or at least not so broken up...He's in Heaven now, and it's just selfish to miss him this much..."
They are awful thoughts...but they come even if I know they are not true...only the Truth of God, and time in His Presence, seems to dispel them. What is terrible, is that these very thoughts fill me with such guilt and shame, that I find it so difficult to enter His Presence. I don't want to face them for what they really are. They are LIES, and I don't want to believe them or dwell on them for one moment. But I do...and I allow them to eat away at my heart. This brings a cloud of anger and apathy and unrest. I am left deeply longing for Peace and Rest again. I am left with a cry in my heart and hunger that can only be satisfied by Jesus.
Tonight I let fear and unrest overcome me...I had no strength left. I felt that I had nothing left. So much sorrow, so much despair, so much loss. I turned to that which leaves me empty in the end. Although it filled me for a time with memories and longings for the innocence of childhood...it could not satisfy me. When I could no longer suppress the sorrow, I found my hands empty once again, still desperately grasping for something to make me feel whole again, or at least quell the pain for a bit longer.
It was in that moment, I had to face the pain, the sorrow, the anger, the apathy, the emptiness, the heartache, the guilt, the shame, the failure, the sin. I had not the strength to face any of it. I finally cried out to Jesus, and confessed that I needed Him. I began to run to Him, and I cried out to Him that I may rest in the Shelter of His Wings. I was afraid for all that time that He would reject me in my shame and brokenness, even though I knew that could never be so. I had felt abandoned. I had felt alone. I had felt hopelessness. And He broke through the darkness with the Light of His Love and Truth, His Kindness and Compassion, His Strength and Peace. He unveiled His Glory and Beauty and Love to me deeper than I have ever known before. He met me in the place of my sorrow, He took my hand and whispered to me "You are not alone. I love you, and I will never leave you."
I've walked a road similar to this before. A road of change and incredible uncertainty. He took my hand then too, and He showed me His Love and Majesty as I had never known before. He began to show me how deeply He cares and understands, how He alone can satisfy. That He is the only Source of the Joy and Peace and Love and Wholeness I have always longed for. And now, as this sorrow and uncertainty deepens, so my relationship with my Lord and Savior and Greatest Friend will deepen. He is calling me to walk on through this storm, my hand in His, and to take Him at His Word. To trust in Him and Love Him with all my Heart and Soul and Mind and Strength. To discover, more and more, the incredible Majesty, Glory, Beauty, and Love of our Savior and God.
To The Cross by Paul Baloche
Grace Has Called My Name by Kathryn Scott
Still by Hillsong United
Our God is Faithful.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
