Home

It was March 2010, it had been 5 months since Terry passed away, and the pain and shock was still so heavy and devastating. I was on my way home, driving the distance by myself for the very first time. It was a time when going home meant having to face the emptiness, it meant having to face the cold hard fact that he was gone...that I wouldn't see him in the yard, I wouldn't hear his laughter, I wouldn't be greeted by his smiling face...it was so hard. I was listening to a Christian radio station, and the song "In Christ Alone" was playing. It was a beautiful rendition, and I was singing along. 

Then it hit the very last verse:

"Til He returns, or calls me HOME."

There it was, the word "home". How my heart longed for it...for wholeness again, for fellowship again, for Him to finally wipe every tear from my eyes.

And I said to myself, "I would just love if that song Homesick would play by MercyMe...I just want to hear it right now, but that would never happen..."

There was some speaking before the next song, and I was pondering all this...and then suddenly...

I began to hear the instrumental introduction to that very song. Tears of joy and sadness just poured out. Joy because the beauty of just knowing that He had heard me, and what an expression of LOVE, COMFORT, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION for my broken, aching, longing heart. And what an affirmation of His Promises, what an encouragement, what a blessing. It was so, so beautiful. And I just cried, because every word penetrated my heart and soul. The sadness, the pain, the sorrow, the brokenness, the aching, the longings...HOMESICK. Longing for Home. Longing for wholeness. Longing for Jesus. 

 ¹ How lovely is your dwelling place, 

   LORD Almighty! 

² My soul yearns, even faints, 

   for the courts of the LORD; 

my heart and my flesh cry out 

   for the living God. 

³ Even the sparrow has found a home, 

   and the swallow a nest for herself, 

   where she may have her young— 

a place near your altar, 

   LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 

⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house; 

   they are ever praising you.

 ⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you, 

   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 

⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka, 

   they make it a place of springs; 

   the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

⁷ They go from strength to strength, 

   till each appears before God in Zion.

 ⁸ Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; 

   listen to me, God of Jacob. 

⁹ Look on our shield, O God; 

   look with favor on your anointed one.

 ¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts 

   than a thousand elsewhere; 

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God 

   than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield; 

   the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold 

   from those whose walk is blameless.

 ¹² LORD Almighty, 

   blessed is the one who trusts in you.

-Psalm 84

A Raw Look at a Grieving Heart

The following was written on my 21st birthday and the response, three months later, on the anniversary date. I have been healed deeply, but still, tears can come in an instant. That's what tragedy does. It doesn't leave you the same.

I just want to post this...it's a glance into a grieving heart. It is raw. It was written in the moment. That is what grief is sometimes...it's just, there. And it's just...really comforting to know how deeply God cares.

So...here it is...


My heart still aches. Ohh, I wanted you to be here with us so badly. It's not fair. I didn't want to watch her drive home to be alone. I hate that...I want you here. I wanted you to be there to tease me about boys, to joke and tell stories that would make us laugh so hard we cry. Now I'm crying because you are gone. I want to hear your voice sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I want to be near you, I want to sit down and talk to you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much it hurts. How much of a void there is here without you. Maybe that is why I feel so angry sometimes when I am home. I look across the yard, and you are not there. I long so badly to see you on your mower, to see you down by the water or out in your boat. For you to drive over and say "hello". I don't understand!!! I know, you're in a wonderful, beautiful place...I know you didn't want to leave us...but it was just far too incredible. I know that God has a plan...I know He is Good despite the pain that plagues my heart day in and day out. I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm sorry I miss you so much, still. Sometimes I don't realize why I'm hurting so much until I just cry...and think...and realize that...I'm still not okay yet...

God understands my grieving heart more than I ever could...

Does He ever give you insight? 

I don't mean to be so sad. I just...really, really miss you.

I wish you would have been there to see me turn 21. Maybe you were looking down and smiling...

I love you.

Kaitlyn

---------
Today marks two years since the day when tragedy unfolded. Here we are, still hurting, remembering. Remembering you. And as beautiful it is to let go...sometimes that letting go means that we have to feel the pain that is still there...sometimes letting go means to take the Hand of the One who knows our own hearts and our needs more than we do...and allowing Him to cradle us as the waves billow over us once more. I have to slow down today...because I want to just push through this and say that I'm okay now. But, I don't think I am. And I am okay with that. Because healing isn't found when we ignore the ache of our hearts. It is found when we recognize it and offer it to the One who understands more than we ever could. More than anyone in this world ever could. The world keeps going, the world says "push on forward". I will. I will go forward. But in order to go forward, I must slow down and rest in the Arms of the One who Heals all wounds.

Acres of Hope

ACRES OF HOPE

by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

“Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.”

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' 

-Hosea 2:14-16

When The Tears Fall

When the pain is seemingly insurmountable. When hopes and dreams, like delicate flowers, slowly begin to reblossom, only to be trampled and blown by another torrent of sorrow and loss and despair. When longings and desires leave us desperate and thirsty and empty handed once more:

His Love is greater still.

And although we may not see, and although we may not understand, His Hand is still upon us. 

As we go about our days. As we move from place to place. His Love doesn't leave us. 

He does not abandon us. 

And the ache we feel and carry with us is a steadfast reminder that this is not our Home.

And as empty handed as we are, we lift them up to praise Him. And we are blessed beyond measure. Filled with Hope and Peace beyond what we could ever understand. He meets us in our suffering, and we begin to identify with the Cross more and more. We are purified, renewed, healed, and redeemed.

And adorned with the HOPE that one day we will see His complete REDEMPTION with our very eyes. 

And He will wipe every tear away. 

15Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night within his temple; and he who sits upon the throne will shelter them with his presence. 16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. 17 For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:15-17

Mighty Wave

Out of the Depths

Psalm 130

 ¹ Out of the depths I cry to you, LORD; 

 ² Lord, hear my voice. 

Let your ears be attentive 

   to my cry for mercy.

 ³ If you, LORD, kept a record of sins, 

   Lord, who could stand? 

⁴ But with you there is forgiveness, 

   so that we can, with reverence, serve you.

 ⁵ I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, 

   and in his word I put my hope. 

⁶ I wait for the Lord 

   more than watchmen wait for the morning, 

   more than watchmen wait for the morning.

 ⁷ Israel, put your hope in the LORD, 

   for with the LORD is unfailing love 

   and with him is full redemption. 

⁸ He himself will redeem Israel 

   from all their sins.

So often lately, I have been tempted to despair. Five weeks in the wilderness, in the desert, not only in literal terms, but spiritual as well. The lack of rest, the stressful circumstances, the many lost, broken and restless hearts all around me, and the ever-present ache of grief still tearing me apart inside...

At the beginning of the journey, I was able to spend time with Him. As time went on, however, weariness struck and my strength wore thin. At the time I needed Him most, I began to feel far away from Him. My time and energy consumed by projects, assignments, and studying. A sense of failure and despondency plagued my heart...

And so came a downward spiral, in which old fears emerged and the hope and beauty of His Promises forgotten, in the midst of confusion and pain. Present still, but shadowed by the weight of sin, oppression, and overwhelming sorrow. 

I wanted to be brave and hold on, but I had been doing that for so long. What of this past winter? In which, every day, I was in a state of survival. Plagued with a depth of pain and sorrow that left me with an aching heart, an inability to remember, focus or concentrate, and my faith tested beyond what I could had ever imagined.

I was so tired of aching. 

Run away. Run away. 

Run away from the pain.

Into the depths of fear and lies, hopelessness, despondency and

Despair.

...

But the message of Grace runs far deeper...

He met me there. In that place of fear and pain, just as He always does. Slowly, He began to speak to my heart. To whisper His Love and Grace to me, and sing the song of Redemption to my soul. Like a desert flower, beautifully blooming as the rain falls and brings life once more, I responded. His Grace covered me, His Grace reminded me again of the Hope and Promises I have in Him. His Grace has washed the fear and shame away...

And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. -2 Corinthians 12:9

He has gone to the very depths. He walked through all that we have ever walked through. He has known the deepest heartache, sorrow, pain, temptation, abandonment, scorn, and despair. The Man of Sorrows. He carried the weight of all our sin. And He rose in Victory. We are risen with Him. 

And we wait for Him, in joyful hope; for His Promises, His Love, His Grace, are unfailing.

Isaiah 35: 1-2

The desert will rejoice, and flowers will bloom in the wastelands. The desert will sing and shout for joy; it will be as beautiful as the Lebanon Mountains and as fertile as the fields of Carmel and Sharon. Everyone will see the Lord's splendor, see his greatness and power. 

He is Coming

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"

"Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him, I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
I'll be going to the place He has prepared for me
Then my sin erased, my shame forgotten
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders round the throne
At His feet I'll lay
My crowns, my worship
Soon and very soon

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon

Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb, the Lord of heaven

I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon" 

I wish I could write something that echoes the beauty and Truth that lies in these two songs. Longing for Jesus...our hearts and our eyes set on Heaven, set on Eternity...with Him...He is coming for His Bride.

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared"

How lovely is that? When this world leaves us broken and weary and alone...we can conclude that we are just not made for here? That our hearts weren't meant to be satisfied by anything or anyone here on Earth. When the day leaves you saddened and your heart and soul torn...yes, it is painful for this moment...but how deeply does it show us that we aren't where we belong? And when this momentary affliction is such a burden to carry and the world just seems to neither notice nor care...who loves us, who comforts us, who understands, who asks us to rest in Him and offers to carry those burdens? Not only the burdens of our day, but the burdens of our lives...the burden of all our sins. And sometimes it's hard to turn to Him...because the world will offer us these pretty things that only serve to isolate us further from His Love...that perhaps may seem attractive and nice from the outside...but only leave us more empty still. And yet...when we are adulterers once more...He still calls us Home...He says "Come my Child, enter in and Rest..."

"Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery."

-Beloved by Tenth Avenue North

I think it is important that we test our hearts...that we examine them and recognize when and whether our hearts are truly set on Jesus or on the things of the world. He is filled with Mercy and Grace, but if we truly Love Him, we will be changed by Him...and as we fix our eyes upon Him...the things of this world truly will grow strangely dim. The world and the Enemy will continue to try to distract us and seduce us, and our unfaithful and sinful nature will always be something that we must fight against until that Day comes. But we have Victory and Authority in Him. There is Power and Majesty and Holiness and Authority in the Name of Jesus Christ. In the Cross. By His Blood. 

But he was pierced for our transgressions,
   he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
   and by his wounds we are healed. 

-Isaiah 53:5

I recently read in a book by Joshua Harris that we should not allow the familiarity of the Gospel, of the Cross, of what Christ us done for us...to distract us from the life-changing, beauty of it. 

"As Christians, we “know” certain things such as “Jesus loves me” and “Christ has died for sinners.” We’ve heard these statements countless times, but the dust of familiarity can dim the glory of these simple truths. We have to brush them off and remind ourselves of their life transforming power."

Life-transforming. Heart-changing. Every time I hear it I want it to stir my heart and remind me and affirm to me the Glory and Beauty and Humility and Grace and Majesty and Love and Wonder of Jesus Christ. 

"I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon"

 The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." Let anyone who hears this say, "Come." Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life. 

 -Revelation 22:17