A Raw Look at a Grieving Heart

The following was written on my 21st birthday and the response, three months later, on the anniversary date. I have been healed deeply, but still, tears can come in an instant. That's what tragedy does. It doesn't leave you the same.

I just want to post this...it's a glance into a grieving heart. It is raw. It was written in the moment. That is what grief is sometimes...it's just, there. And it's just...really comforting to know how deeply God cares.

So...here it is...


My heart still aches. Ohh, I wanted you to be here with us so badly. It's not fair. I didn't want to watch her drive home to be alone. I hate that...I want you here. I wanted you to be there to tease me about boys, to joke and tell stories that would make us laugh so hard we cry. Now I'm crying because you are gone. I want to hear your voice sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I want to be near you, I want to sit down and talk to you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much it hurts. How much of a void there is here without you. Maybe that is why I feel so angry sometimes when I am home. I look across the yard, and you are not there. I long so badly to see you on your mower, to see you down by the water or out in your boat. For you to drive over and say "hello". I don't understand!!! I know, you're in a wonderful, beautiful place...I know you didn't want to leave us...but it was just far too incredible. I know that God has a plan...I know He is Good despite the pain that plagues my heart day in and day out. I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm sorry I miss you so much, still. Sometimes I don't realize why I'm hurting so much until I just cry...and think...and realize that...I'm still not okay yet...

God understands my grieving heart more than I ever could...

Does He ever give you insight? 

I don't mean to be so sad. I just...really, really miss you.

I wish you would have been there to see me turn 21. Maybe you were looking down and smiling...

I love you.

Kaitlyn

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Today marks two years since the day when tragedy unfolded. Here we are, still hurting, remembering. Remembering you. And as beautiful it is to let go...sometimes that letting go means that we have to feel the pain that is still there...sometimes letting go means to take the Hand of the One who knows our own hearts and our needs more than we do...and allowing Him to cradle us as the waves billow over us once more. I have to slow down today...because I want to just push through this and say that I'm okay now. But, I don't think I am. And I am okay with that. Because healing isn't found when we ignore the ache of our hearts. It is found when we recognize it and offer it to the One who understands more than we ever could. More than anyone in this world ever could. The world keeps going, the world says "push on forward". I will. I will go forward. But in order to go forward, I must slow down and rest in the Arms of the One who Heals all wounds.