This morning marks 10 months. It is amazing how deeply I have healed despite the pain that is ever-present...lingering in the background or panging at the forefront...an ache that is a reminder of how deeply I have loved and been loved, how blessed I have been to know such a precious woman, such wonderful grandparents, and how strange it is that I now have to traverse this long road without her... That it has been 10 long months since her absence left the world a much colder and scarier place...and sometimes it seems like a dream. I think sometimes I wonder if she'll be there when I go back home. I think it feels almost as if it's just been a long time since I've seen her, sat with her, laughed with her, and hugged her good night. But then, I am reminded that what happened last Christmas, was real...
Christmases have been very hard for the past few years...holidays in general, but for some reason the losses that have occurred have been concentrated around this time. It has become quite an emotionally volatile season, even the very mention of it brings up an emotional torrent, at times. I'm not sure how I will respond to being home again for it. We are attempting to make new traditions, as well as honor the old ones as best we can. I think I will be very thankful to simply be with loved ones. Honestly, sometimes everything that has happened seems like a dream. That said, Christmas has never meant more to me...
I don't want to always speak of the sadness...I used to think that I have failed because it has been so present within me for the past few years. Mostly that I failed as a Christian to always be joyful. I'm not sure where the idea came that: Christian = constant happiness. I don't think any of us really believe that, but the idea has somehow perpetuated. Perhaps it is, in part, our very human longing for control...
Walking through all this has taught me a lot about the importance of being authentic, transparent, and honest about grief, sorrow, and hardships. The world doesn't need another plasticized smile, it does not need fabricated joy, but it does need the kind of Joy that is truly in Christ. I guess that's led me to a search for an understanding of what that Joy really is, and what it really means to shine the light of Jesus Christ in this dark world...I really don't think He is as present in the 'show', as He is in the simple, humble word of encouragement...or the simple presence of a friend who is willing to love and listen, to care and cry with you.
Tomorrow morning will mark three years since a dear friend departed to his heavenly home. It was that day, three years ago, which marked the beginning of a long season of loss and heartache. The shock of losing him caught me so off guard. The circumstances which surrounded it made it all the more painful.
The private college I attended in that season of life held a late-night communion service each Wednesday, and my dear friend Nicole and I would go together each week. This particular night was in celebration of the coming All Saints Day.
And the verses that were shared that night, the night of losing such a precious friend, loved one, neighbor, so tenderly spoke to my heart. I remember, sitting there, trying to take it all in. Absolute shock and turmoil had assailed me, and my whole insides seemed to be twisted. The first reading was the story of Lazarus, from John 11.
(At this point in my life and in my faith journey, I am very sensitive to any misuse of scripture, or any twisting from its original context...so I wish to include it in its entirety) http://www.esvbible.org/John+11/
I will not elaborate at this time...but I will simply say that the sentence "Jesus wept." was a deep comfort and a blessing to hear...at a time in which my whole world seemed shattered, to know that the Savior of the world and my God cares...that He is moved by our sorrows...to the point of expressing it in such a simple, humble form...
And the second, was a reading from Revelation 21...a precious Promise which I have carried in my heart since that night. http://www.esvbible.org/search/Revelation+21/
One day, He will wipe away every tear. How personal and intimate is that? It is not just that sorrows, death, mourning and pain will be gone, but:
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
(Revelation 21:4 ESV, emphasis mine)
Death does not have the last word. Christ had the last word when He spoke 'It is finished' on the sacred, wondrous cross and in this chapter in which He speaks:
And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
“It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:6-8 ESV)
I include the entire context because it is both an immense comfort and joy, but also a poignant reminder of the great cost and consequence of sin. It is of utmost importance that we do not ignore this portion of scripture, or this facet of our God. He is not only perfectly Kind and perfectly filled with Grace and Comfort, but also perfectly Just.
Is that context of a fallen, broken world articulated any better than in the sorrows which surround? Can we believe in both the sovereignty and the goodness of God in the midst of such pain and heartache? Is our God big enough, and yet personal enough to handle our doubts, our anger, our frustrations, our questions, our fears, our expounding cries of "How long, oh Lord?"
But even more, that context is best articulated by the Cross...the cost...the precious blood of Jesus Christ. Who bore our sins, who bore our burdens. Who stepped down and walked through every heartache, burden and sorrow that this world has ever known...lived a sinless life, and paid the price for our sins. To demonstrate God's Love for us.
http://www.esvbible.org/Romans+5/
"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."
(Romans 5:8-11 ESV)
And so, not only is the consequence of sin articulated in the Cross of Jesus Christ, but also the immensity of the Love, the Grace, and the Justice of our God. Can therefore joy and sorrow be considered mutually exclusive? Perhaps they dwell together, illustrating not only the pang of living in this world, but displaying the Hope that is only found in Christ and ultimately the Glory of God.
As I reflect upon my heartaches and my losses...I am reminded of all this. These aren't easy questions
and these are not easy answers. They are gut-wrenching. God is not about the surface or the superficial, but He dives into the depths with us.
He does not ignore our very human needs and our shortcomings. He is present in the messy, the ugly, the emotionally torrential, in the storm...He knows our hearts better than we know our own...and His Love is greater than we can comprehend...both sovereign and great, personal and intimate...we look to the Cross, and we look to our Hope in the resurrection and truly "the life of the world to come"...
He wept, and He weeps with us. And He will wipe every tear from our eyes.
Here are a few links that have been of great comfort and perspective:
http://hopesjourneyblog.blogspot.com/2012/03/unabashed-honesty.html
http://www.spurgeon.org/sermons/0236.htm
http://www.mikeleake.net/2012/07/why-thorn-removal-is-not-goal-part-2.html
http://www.mikeleake.net/2012/07/the-effect-of-prosperity-gospel-on-pain.html
http://hopesjourneyblog.blogspot.com/2012/09/does-grief-encapsulate-me.html
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