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It makes sense, I suppose, in light of everything that has happened.

That at the first sign of school-related stress, a massive surge of grief would be triggered.

The last time I felt the way I did today, was the night before the last final of my undergraduate career. Trying to write a paper, trying to study for a comprehensive exam, worrying about her. Only wanting to be near her. Knowing that everything I have ever known, was falling apart, again.

I called home...I found out...they couldn't even do Chemo. They couldn't do surgery. They couldn't do anything. She was just going to die. She was going to have to die that painful death, and we were just supposed to accept it.

The helplessness. The pain. The way I cried out, tears staining the floor as they drenched my face in a meeting room of our student union.

I so wish I could be okay by now. But it hasn't even been a year. And here, I am stepping into the anniversary time of so much loss and heartache. Sick of this dialogue. Sick of having to express it time after time after time after time. Sick of the fact that not one person knows how to properly relate [and for that, I lay no blame]. Sick of feeling as if I have no control over these emotions. Sick. SICK. sick.

But now that that is expressed, I'm going to go back to summarizing that scientific paper about seismic coupling in subduction zones.

So here displays the importance of expressing the pain and properly walking through it. It's really, really hard to be honest and transparent. It requires great vulnerability.

He knows. He understands. He cares. He promises to wipe away every tear. That's all I do know.

Cheers to Graduate School.

This song is comforting and beautiful.

The End.