One Pair of Hands

I wake up in the morning, often to the sprinklers outside my window, and realize I'm not in Minnesota anymore.

22 years of life, and here is this HUGE transition. So many facets of life that will never be the same.

So many losses in these past years, past months, past weeks...so many changes in family dynamics. So many things that will never be the same. Heartbreaking, heartwrenching, painful.... An emotional earthquake with aftershock after aftershock...I guess these past few years, you could say, have been very tectonically active? [I just read an article which related loss to an earthquake, and the geologist in me really took hold of that metaphor.]

I said farewell to friends, to family, and all things familiar and safe. 

And here I am, in Ellensburg, Washington...trying to rediscover who I am, and who I am being transformed and molded to. 

It's been absolutely terrifying, to be perfectly honest. It's been tearful and painful and confusing in many, many ways. 

I never even knew Ellensburg existed before 6 months ago. 

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I found a church. It's called Mercer Creek. Before this past Sunday, I honestly hadn't been to a church service for months. And this year, it has honestly been few and far between. I really missed it. I missed the community. I missed the pure-hearted adoration of Jesus. I missed the fellowship and the Word.

This is hard to write about, but I know I want to eventually. I may state it briefly for now, and elaborate later when I am ready. It's not easy, by any means.

I was really, really hurt within a ministry, early this year. It resulted in a lot of painful questioning, including how I related to the Lord and to other Christians. It included how I related to worship and to prayer. It had me deeply questioning what was real and what was not, and it resulted in a lot of research and introspection.

Elitism does not belong in a Christian ministry. And when it becomes the focus and the underlying tone of a ministry, no matter how veiled it is, you are going to see some very bad fruit.

I've been really broken over this, for a long time. But, as I've grappled with and sorted through everything, and as I continue to, God continues to show His Faithfulness. He continues to show who He really is. How He can use even those broken, twisted, false things for His Glory in the end. His overarching sovereignty in this world and His Eternal Steadfastness in all things and throughout time, has been becoming a bigger and bigger reality to me. It has been beautiful. Painful and beautiful.

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As I look up, to my left, I look upon a pair of praying hands. It is a plaque that was my great-grandparent's, and for many years, hung in my grandparent's home.

It now hangs in my own home, in dear Ellensburg,Washington.

It is a tender reminder for me to continually pray. A tender reminder to continually trust in He whose Hands hold me, carry me, lead me and guide me. He whose Hands were nailed to a cross for me...

I may be scared. I may be broken. I might just wake up in the morning and have absolutely no clue how I got to this time and to this place. 

But I will embrace this new adventure. This Pilgrimage. This painful, beautiful, wonderful journey with my Savior and my King. 

Waiting for the Day

Wait, I can hardly wait 
To look into Your face 
When the world disappears into Your eyes 
Wait, I can hardly wait 
To hear Your sweet voice say 
You've done well, my good and faithful son 
Breathe, I can hardly breathe 
In anticipation 
Waiting for the day to come 
When You will shine on me 
Wait, I can hardly wait 
To bow down at Your feet 
Kiss the scars that bore my sins away 
Breathe, I can hardly breathe 
In anticipation 
Waiting for the day to come 
When You will shine on me 

What can I say? What words can I bring?

He is my best friend. He is my Redeemer. He is my Righteousness.

I am broken and weary...

A wayward sinner. Cursed and shattered. Hurt and Lost.

I look around desperately for someplace to rest. For a refuge. For safety and shelter. Battered by the storm, I call out in the night. Only one place do I find the sanctuary for which my heart cries.

 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High 
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 

                            -Psalm 91:1

He holds me. He cradles me. He sings over me. 

His kindness and tenderness and deep love for me woos my heart. There is passion and pureness and a great filling of my deepest hunger and longings. In Him there is wholeness. In Him there is Peace. 

There is a sweetness and a richness in His Arms. My heart knows it. My heart knows He is beautiful and sweet. 

Submerged in grief, I find myself longing for a time of rejoicing again, but a breathe of air my lungs do not receive. A long and deep trench of mourning has been my way and my path. But lo, in the waters of grief and sorrow there is a treasure and a nearness to His Heart for which I will eternally rejoice. For my Savior knows too those depths, and His Heart is moved by my sorrow. He dove into those depths Himself and one day will wipe away every tear from every face. 

For now, this is my cup and my portion. I do not know the way, but I know the One who tenderly takes me by the Hand and leads me forward. He leads me onward. He dismisses not my sorrows. He sees every tear that flows and falls.  He treasures every one. 

And there is Joy here. There is gladness. As deep as my sorrow cuts and as deep as the blood of Jesus flowed...there is Joy and Hope and Gladness.

How beautiful is He. How beautiful is He. 

How Great is His Love. How personal and deep. How much more real than anything I have ever known? This is the One for whom my heart longs and beats. 

And one day, one Day, my greatest dream. The deepest cry and longing of my heart:

I will look into His Eyes. I will meet Him face to Face. I will hear His sweet, sweet Voice. I will see the scars that rescued me.

I will praise Him. 

Holy. Holy. Holy.

I will sing.

Until then,

I mourn, I hope, I sing, I praise, I seek, I hunger, I thirst, 

I wait. I dream. 

Breathe, I can hardly breathe 
In anticipation 
Waiting for the day to come 
When You will shine on me 

The Hurt and the Healer

Pain and sadness has lingered and stayed upon my heart all day long. This happens sometimes. Sometimes the right word, or the right song, or the right thought will come along and awaken something different. But sometimes, the pain just stays. 

All day I have been looking for some answer to the pain...

Perhaps I'm not trusting Him enough...perhaps my eyes are not upon Him enough. 

Isn't there Joy to be found in His Presence?

Certainly, but what brings us rightly into His Presence...but the Blood of the Lamb Who was slain.


In our brokenness, fragility? Indeed, we have no righteousness of our own.

There He Stands, our Advocate, our Savior.


...

And just because the waves are high, and the wind is wild, and turmoil surrounds.

And the pain rages on.

Does not mean that He is not faithful to my heart.

I cannot go around this storm.

I must go through it.

So for a while, pain shall remain. Emotional and spiritual wounds require healing just as physical ones do... And I will not deny myself this time of healing and resting.

I forget sometimes that healing is a process that often is very painful.

The answer to my pain?

What I suspected all along:

He is Faithful.

Why? 

The question that is never far away 
But healing doesn't come from the explained 
Jesus please don't let this go in vain 
You're all I have 
All that remains 

So here I am 
What's left of me 
Where glory meets my suffering 

I'm alive 
Even though a part of me has died 
You take my heart and breathe it back to life 
I've fallen into Your arms open wide 
When the hurt and the healer collide 

Breathe 
Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do 
Pain so deep that I can hardly move 
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You 
Lord take hold and pull me through 

So here I am 
What's left of me 
Where glory meets my suffering 

I'm alive 
Even though a part of me has died 
You take my heart and breathe it back to life 
I've fallen into your arms open wide 
When the hurt and the healer collide 

It's the moment when humanity 
Is overcome by majesty 
When grace is ushered in for good 
And all the scars are understood 
When mercy takes its rightful place 
And all these questions fade away 
When out of the weakness we must bow 
And hear You say "It's over now" 

I'm alive 
Even though a part of me has died 
You take my heart and breathe it back to life 
I've fallen into your arms open wide 
When The hurt and the healer collide 

Jesus come and break my fear 
Awake my heart and take my tears 
Find Your glory even here 
When the hurt and the healer collide [x2] 

Jesus come and break my fear 
Awake my heart and take my tears 
Find Your glory even here

A Better Place

"They're in a better place."

Yes, yes they are. In such a beautiful, glorious, wonderful place. But what remains is the cutting reminder that this is not Home yet. That the pain and grief and separation of death is dark and real and raw and ever so painful...we were never meant to ache like this. To be torn apart and separated like this. But God...is so, so faithful. And as deep as I have been cut by the many losses I have known the last couple years, there is a deep, deep well of Eternal Hope that rises up within me...

And that better place, that meeting Him Face to face. 


That is the most precious dream of my heart.


Because one Day.


That will be REALITY. The Unseen and the Eternal will be before us, and every tear will be wiped away.


We'll see the Rainbow, we'll see the Throne. We'll dance, we'll sing, we will rejoice.


We will stand in awe, gazing upon His Glory and Majesty with our very eyes.


And Wholeness and Home and Beauty will be known in the fullness of our hearts and worship will spring forth from our lips.

We were made for ETERNITY.

We were made to know the Living God.

How Love Wins

I cannot deny that the burden I carry is heavy. When the pain and sorrow and the reality of what has happened washes over me and the ache deep, deep, deep inside wells up within me.

There is this pain of separation. Of brokenness. Of loss of innocence. Of a world come crashing down. 

But there is something so profound within all of this. 

So simple, yet so profound. And more beautiful than words. Beautiful and tragic and deep and pure and real and hard and strange to make sense of. 

Because the Lord knows all of what I feel deep within my heart. He knows it so very personally and intimately...

The Fall. 

And the Cross.

The Father knows the pain of separation. He knows it so, so well. His Heart aches and longs for His People just as I long for my loved ones. He knows what it's like, in the deepest sense, to be separated from the ones His Heart longs for. He knows brokenness. He knows of loss of innocence. He witnessed as the world came crashing down, turning from His Heart. Turning from all what was created to be. 

Wholeness to Brokenness. Beauty to Fallen. Pure to Tainted. 

The Lies. All the Lies which invaded and inured the World He created and loved.

The Lie that God isn't really GOOD. The Lie that we are on our own. The Lie that God isn't for us after all. The Lie that we can do it on our own. 

Rebellion. Disobedience. 

Separation. Death. 

Spiritual Death. 

But that is not the end of the story. He went after our hearts. He did not abandon us in our broken state. He has not abandoned us. He will never abandon us. He will never forsake us.

No...He sent His Son.

And Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ came to Earth, humbly as a newborn babe. He walked the paths that many weary human feet had tread. He wept. He healed. He spoke. He washed His Disciples feet. He fulfilled the words of the Prophets. He sweat blood in anguish. He submitted His Will to the Father in all that He did. He was brutally beaten, and He died a painful, agonizing death on a Cross for our Sins. And as He cried:

"Father, Father, why have you forsaken me?"

The Father turned His Face away. 

And Jesus Christ, taking on our sin, experienced that very separation from the Father that was ours. He felt our wounds. Deep, deep, deep, deep, deep. He was pierced for our transgressions. He stepped into the depths of our brokenness and shattered nature and sin. He died for us.

And never was there a darker day in History. But that was not the end of the story. 

Because the stone was rolled away.

He conquered death, in VICTORY. By His Wounds we are healed. Washed clean, by the blood of the Lamb. What a Beautiful Savior. He reconciled our hearts with God. Jesus Christ opened the door, that we may have Relationship. That we may have Life. The Relationship and Life we were created to have with the God of the Universe. That we may walk with Him and know Him and love Him and worship Him as we were created to. 

And as I mourn the loss of many loved ones...as I mourn the wounded state of my heart and soul. As I sit among the ashes...

As I feel in my gut the reality of this very, very broken, thirsty, desperate, longing world. 

I identify with the Father's Heart, I identify with the Cross. And my heart, once separated and broken and far from Him, knows and understands and pursues and longs for His Love and Grace and Truth and Tenderness as never before. My hearts deepest longings stirred and awakened. My Identity found in Him. 

I know now that while my pain is real...it is raw and it is deep; 

It is not the end of me. It is not the end of my relationships with these dear, sweet people. It is not the end of the Story. Redemption falls upon all of this. His Redemption. His Light. His Grace and Love. 

His Holy Spirit dwells within me.

I am still here, in this broken, weary land. My heart is longing for its true Home. But Redemption will come. That Day will Come. My Heart burns within me for that Day. That Eternal Longing burns in my heart and soul. That longing for Jesus. 

²⁵ I know that my redeemer lives, 
   and that in the end he will stand on the earth.
²⁶ And after my skin has been destroyed, 
   yet in my flesh I will see God; 
²⁷ I myself will see him 
   with my own eyes—I, and not another. 
   How my heart yearns within me!

-Job 19:25-27

Job spoke this out of his immense grief, and it resounds deeply within me as well.

When I at last look into those eyes. Those eyes, burning with Righteousness, Jealousy, Holiness, Majesty, and Love. The Lion and the Lamb.

Redemption's Song is moving upon the Earth. Seek Him. Seek His Heart. 

May our hearts yearn within us.

How Love Wins

This is how Love wins, every single time

Climbing high upon a tree where someone else should die

This is how Love heals, the deepest part of you

Letting Himself bleed into the middle of your wounds

This is what Love says, standing at the door

You don’t have to be who you’ve been before

Silenced by His voice, death can’t speak again

This is how Love wins.

What Can I Say?

• • Someone I really liked to visit with, and who I have known since I was young and who had strong connections to my childhood passed away on the 31st. I just found out...I don't know how to respond. Please pray for his family...his wife has cancer too...I would visit them every summer. They live in my childhood home. Such wonderful people. 
    
    I just don't get it. How can I even account for all the pain in my heart? Except that Jesus cares, He understands, and His Love is far greater...
    
    That He goes to those deep places with me. That He isn't finished yet. That He will come again in Glory. That He loves us...even to death, death on a cross.
    
    And that He has conquered the grave, and one day He will wipe every tear from our eyes.
    
    He is so Mighty, Victorious, Glorious, Majestic...
    
    and yet so personal...so tender...so kind...
    
    My heart is pierced...and the brokenness of this world is so heavy. But the Lord is STRONG and He bears it all. He bore it all...
    
    There is something so beautifully profound about suffering and sorrow...that He went to those depths, that He pulled us out of those depths...
    
    So that what was broken may be made whole in Him. What was lost may be found. What was weak may be made strong.
    
    He is unsearchable. Glorious. Beautiful. Mighty.
    
    He consumes it all.
    
    IT IS NOT ENOUGH for us … within the arena of the world's pain merely to know of a God who sympathizes. It is not even enough to know of a God who heals. We need to know of and be connected with a God who experiences with us, for us, each grief, each wound. We need to be bonded with a God who has had nails in the hands and a spear in the heart!
    Flora Slosson Wuellner, Weavings
    
    
    
    
    
    I want to know Him more.
    
    
    

Awaken, My Love

Let Him AWAKEN your heart.

He has so much beauty to bring, to unveil.

Truly, His Love is stronger than death.

Let Him call to you, beckon your heart.

Allow Him to breathe LIFE into you once more.

No longer stale. No longer stagnant.

Dry bones, no more.

A true, deep, fervent LOVE for Him.

Your heart's very echo to the deep, fervent, powerful, redemptive, STRONG LOVE He has for you.

He says to you: "Awaken, my Love."

He romanced you first, and that is the way it has always been.