Awaken, My Love

Let Him AWAKEN your heart.

He has so much beauty to bring, to unveil.

Truly, His Love is stronger than death.

Let Him call to you, beckon your heart.

Allow Him to breathe LIFE into you once more.

No longer stale. No longer stagnant.

Dry bones, no more.

A true, deep, fervent LOVE for Him.

Your heart's very echo to the deep, fervent, powerful, redemptive, STRONG LOVE He has for you.

He says to you: "Awaken, my Love."

He romanced you first, and that is the way it has always been.

Ashes and All

I remember this summer...after last Christmas was so brutal and filled with loss...and how the months that followed were so heart-wrenching and grief-filled.

That longing for authenticity.

And by authenticity, I mean a deep, deep longing to know Him more. To know His Heart for me. To know His Heart for this world. For the sorrow. For the heartache. For the suffering.

His Whispers. His Whisper to my heart. Calling me deeper, closer, nearer.

I suppose, I am weary of speaking and writing of grief. But when you lose, and lose, and lose some more...

...it consumes your thoughts and makes your heart very heavy. And you have to express it. You have to just let it out. I think God wants to use it, too. To bring Healing. To bring Redemption. To mend the broken. To show His Love in and through the painful circumstances.

Because beyond the great, terrible, aching, all-consuming pain and heart-cry and agony...

There is His LOVE. And truly, TRULY it is GREATER. He is GREATER. He is STRONGER.

Because He cares. He carries us and longs for us. He sees our hurt, our anger, our helplessness, our weariness, our bitterness, our confusion, our longing...longing for wholeness once more.

And He has COMPASSION. And UNDERSTANDING. He is not far off. He is NEAR. He cradles us. He runs His Hand through our hair like the dear FATHER He is, and He cradles us, comforts us.

We need to know Him. That's what we were created for. And He's waiting for, longing after, desiring our hearts. He longs to fill all that is empty. All that is void. He longs to mend all that is broken.

And when the storm rages. And rages. And rages. RELENTLESSLY. seemingly, relentlessly.

He is cradling us in His Arms. We may not see it. We may not feel it through the deep, deep pain. But He will meet us there. We have to let Him in. He's knocking. Bidding us, "COME HOME".

Come deeper. Let Him draw you in. Let His Sweetness draw you in. He sent His only Son, and the volume that this speaks of His Love is SO GREAT. You are welcome to come just as you are. Ashes, and all.

Until The Day Breaks

 I am frail. Shattered. Broken. Aching. Longing. Desperate. 

Afraid.

Stepping into a very new place...terrified beyond all measure.

That's me.

But then, there is my Savior.

He is Tender, Kind, Gentle, Compassionate.

A Hero. A Warrior. A Victor.

The Lion and the Lamb.

Does it not just stir your heart?

How I want my heart to just know it and beat for it. For His Presence. He sees me. He knows me. He cares for me. He beckons me. He draws me in. He delights in me. He rejoices over me. He intercedes for me. He calls me His Lily, His Flower. My Heart, a Garden.

Every time. Every time tragedy strikes. Every moment in which sorrow overwhelms my heart...

I have the choice to turn away from Him, or turn to Him.

And the Enemy will attack and assail with lies and lies and lies and fear and the temptation to despair.

Letting go of the pretenses now. This is something deeper than it appears. This is a soul battle. 

Suffering...the design of the Enemy to destroy your Faith. The design of God to build your Faith and prove it genuine and true and pure and real before yourself and others.  

Born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, ⁴to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, ⁵who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. ⁶In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, ⁷so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. ⁸ Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, ⁹obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
-1 Peter 1 

So here is my proclamation through the storm, out of the depths of desperation, sorrow, longing, anguish, fear, agony, aching, heartache:

My God is greater. I will trust Him. I am frail and broken, but He is STRONG. And He will sustain me. His Grace covers me.

My soul my falter and fail, but my God never will.

I will BELIEVE.

Our Vision...and His

“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. This was the proof of His love – that He gave that Son, that He let Him go to Calvary’s cross, though “legions of angels” might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.” 
― Elisabeth Elliot

Mourn deeply

Mourn deeply… | Jesus Needs New PR

I stumbled upon this tonight. I can't describe how beautiful, validating, and affirming every word is to me. It was such a deep, deep blessing to read this vulnerable, raw expression written in the midst of a person's deep heartache, grief and mourning.

I will quote a part of it...

"This morning I woke up numb. My soul knows there’s something happening but it’s having a hard time feeling what’s happening. And I want to feel this.

I must feel this. Those of us who know and love Sara must mourn this completely.

Oh, I’ll be thrilled for Sara. No pain. No shots. No drugs. No questions.

Physically whole.

Spiritually whole.

But for us. We must mourn when it’s time to mourn. That’s one thing I feel like many of us who are Christians don’t know how to do: We don’t know how to mourn. We fear being sad. Deeply sad. We too often and too quickly jump to a rejoicing and celebrating and we don’t let our wounds open wide enough for grace and hope to seep inside…

And we all mourn in different ways and at different paces. And we can’t rush our soul’s ache. And we can’t rush another soul’s ache.

So when the time comes, mourn deeply. Choose to mourn deeply.

Because before we can choose joy, and Sara desires for us to choose joy, we must choose to mourn. We must choose to weep. We must choose to heal.

And then.

When it’s time. When our souls become filled up again, mostly whole again.

…then.

Joy becomes a choice.

And we will be healthy enough…

…full enough…

…hopeful enough…

to choose it."

That's how I feel. Right now. How I have felt for months...and for a time before that, too. 

Because the RAIN. KEEPS. FALLING.

and my heart keeps aching.

And "goodbye" is the hardest thing.

And as deep, deep, deep as we ache right now...we know He is with us. And He has so much to unveil to us...of His Heart for us...and how that ignites the deepest longings of our own hearts.

And the PROMISES. The ENCOUNTER. 

NOTHING compares to knowing Him. NOTHING. 

I've honestly never cried so hard. I mean...the noises that come from you...those deep, loud, grievous sobs that well up inside you and surprise you...because they are so heartache and agony-filled. They are so deep. They have cut so deep. They are so raw. So there. So sharp and poignant.  

And He finds them to be so, so beautiful. Which is strange for me. Because to me they seem so ugly, so scary, so out of control. But I'm starting to see how beautiful they are. Because I'm letting Him in...to those deep, dark depths...I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable, deeply vulnerable...I am allowing myself to feel and experience and know the pain that dwells deep, deep, deep inside.

And...He meets me there.

I have said many times that I have never known such pain or heartache before...

but I have never known such HOPE and PEACE and GRACE and LIFE and LOVE before either...

it's strange how those two can abide together...

I long for Heaven...for Jesus...for that Day to come...more deeply than anything.

Yet Will I Sing

Let this be the only love song I write;
May You be the only Love in my life.
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run;
So though I walk through the valley, yet will I trust.
I asked You to call me, I said I would come;
So though I go up the mountain, yet will I run

Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You.
Though my heart be slain within me:
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow You.

Cause I know whatever You do, You do through the eyes of mercy,
And nothing can be added to it, nothing can be taken away.
There is a time for every purpose under the heavens'
So though my weeping may last for the night,
Oh how Your joy, it comes with the light.
Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You.
Though my heart be slain within me:
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow after You.

Home

It was March 2010, it had been 5 months since Terry passed away, and the pain and shock was still so heavy and devastating. I was on my way home, driving the distance by myself for the very first time. It was a time when going home meant having to face the emptiness, it meant having to face the cold hard fact that he was gone...that I wouldn't see him in the yard, I wouldn't hear his laughter, I wouldn't be greeted by his smiling face...it was so hard. I was listening to a Christian radio station, and the song "In Christ Alone" was playing. It was a beautiful rendition, and I was singing along. 

Then it hit the very last verse:

"Til He returns, or calls me HOME."

There it was, the word "home". How my heart longed for it...for wholeness again, for fellowship again, for Him to finally wipe every tear from my eyes.

And I said to myself, "I would just love if that song Homesick would play by MercyMe...I just want to hear it right now, but that would never happen..."

There was some speaking before the next song, and I was pondering all this...and then suddenly...

I began to hear the instrumental introduction to that very song. Tears of joy and sadness just poured out. Joy because the beauty of just knowing that He had heard me, and what an expression of LOVE, COMFORT, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION for my broken, aching, longing heart. And what an affirmation of His Promises, what an encouragement, what a blessing. It was so, so beautiful. And I just cried, because every word penetrated my heart and soul. The sadness, the pain, the sorrow, the brokenness, the aching, the longings...HOMESICK. Longing for Home. Longing for wholeness. Longing for Jesus. 

 ¹ How lovely is your dwelling place, 

   LORD Almighty! 

² My soul yearns, even faints, 

   for the courts of the LORD; 

my heart and my flesh cry out 

   for the living God. 

³ Even the sparrow has found a home, 

   and the swallow a nest for herself, 

   where she may have her young— 

a place near your altar, 

   LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 

⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house; 

   they are ever praising you.

 ⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you, 

   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 

⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka, 

   they make it a place of springs; 

   the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

⁷ They go from strength to strength, 

   till each appears before God in Zion.

 ⁸ Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; 

   listen to me, God of Jacob. 

⁹ Look on our shield, O God; 

   look with favor on your anointed one.

 ¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts 

   than a thousand elsewhere; 

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God 

   than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield; 

   the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold 

   from those whose walk is blameless.

 ¹² LORD Almighty, 

   blessed is the one who trusts in you.

-Psalm 84