I love that I get to think about rocks all the time, and that I am in a place surrounded by rocks
of all kinds.
Yeager Rock glacial erratic (it is massive)
Swaukane Gneiss (cute little garnets in there!)
Columbia River Basalt
Exploring a Lava Tube and representing CWU
Mt. St. Helens
I love that half the time I am so intimidated and challenged...that when I accomplish what I need to get done, I feel so refreshed and excited for what's next.
Mt. St. Helens and Spirit Lake from Mt. Margeret
I love that even when I feel like I hate it and that I'm not smart enough, I still love it and want to keep going.
I love that I get to be surrounded by people that are passionate about what they are studying. People who I know will be life-long friends.
I love that I get to study volcanoes, and magma chamber processes...
...and that there probably isn't a person in the world who doesn't think volcanoes are cool,
because even when they erupt and cause great destruction
...so much life springs from them.
I love Mt. St. Helens...and my experience and time there deserves a blog entry of its own.
I am so thankful for this opportunity...thankful for friends and family who support me in this grand adventure.
Thankful for the Lord who led me here. Thankful for His Kindness, Faithfulness, and Enduring Love in the midst of my fear and trepidation...thankful that He is always near.
I am deeply blessed.
Me, my new friend Joe the astronomer, and Mt. St. Helens as a backdrop. He showed me different nebulas, galaxies, star systems, and we even got to see Jupiter and its moons as it came over the horizon. My favorite constellation he showed me was "The Northern Cross". We talked about science, astronomy, geology, life, loss, and faith. It was a blessing to meet him.
This is a weekend of anniversaries. And I don't want to forget. I want to remember. They are painful reminders, but at the same time: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
This morning marks 10 months. It is amazing how deeply I have healed despite the pain that is ever-present...lingering in the background or panging at the forefront...an ache that is a reminder of how deeply I have loved and been loved, how blessed I have been to know such a precious woman, such wonderful grandparents, and how strange it is that I now have to traverse this long road without her... That it has been 10 long months since her absence left the world a much colder and scarier place...and sometimes it seems like a dream. I think sometimes I wonder if she'll be there when I go back home. I think it feels almost as if it's just been a long time since I've seen her, sat with her, laughed with her, and hugged her good night. But then, I am reminded that what happened last Christmas, was real...
Christmases have been very hard for the past few years...holidays in general, but for some reason the losses that have occurred have been concentrated around this time. It has become quite an emotionally volatile season, even the very mention of it brings up an emotional torrent, at times. I'm not sure how I will respond to being home again for it. We are attempting to make new traditions, as well as honor the old ones as best we can. I think I will be very thankful to simply be with loved ones. Honestly, sometimes everything that has happened seems like a dream. That said, Christmas has never meant more to me...
I don't want to always speak of the sadness...I used to think that I have failed because it has been so present within me for the past few years. Mostly that I failed as a Christian to always be joyful. I'm not sure where the idea came that: Christian = constant happiness. I don't think any of us really believe that, but the idea has somehow perpetuated. Perhaps it is, in part, our very human longing for control...
Walking through all this has taught me a lot about the importance of being authentic, transparent, and honest about grief, sorrow, and hardships. The world doesn't need another plasticized smile, it does not need fabricated joy, but it does need the kind of Joy that is truly in Christ. I guess that's led me to a search for an understanding of what that Joy really is, and what it really means to shine the light of Jesus Christ in this dark world...I really don't think He is as present in the 'show', as He is in the simple, humble word of encouragement...or the simple presence of a friend who is willing to love and listen, to care and cry with you.
Tomorrow morning will mark three years since a dear friend departed to his heavenly home. It was that day, three years ago, which marked the beginning of a long season of loss and heartache. The shock of losing him caught me so off guard. The circumstances which surrounded it made it all the more painful.
The private college I attended in that season of life held a late-night communion service each Wednesday, and my dear friend Nicole and I would go together each week. This particular night was in celebration of the coming All Saints Day.
And the verses that were shared that night, the night of losing such a precious friend, loved one, neighbor, so tenderly spoke to my heart. I remember, sitting there, trying to take it all in. Absolute shock and turmoil had assailed me, and my whole insides seemed to be twisted. The first reading was the story of Lazarus, from John 11.
(At this point in my life and in my faith journey, I am very sensitive to any misuse of scripture, or any twisting from its original context...so I wish to include it in its entirety) http://www.esvbible.org/John+11/
I will not elaborate at this time...but I will simply say that the sentence "Jesus wept." was a deep comfort and a blessing to hear...at a time in which my whole world seemed shattered, to know that the Savior of the world and my God cares...that He is moved by our sorrows...to the point of expressing it in such a simple, humble form...
One day, He will wipe away every tear. How personal and intimate is that? It is not just that sorrows, death, mourning and pain will be gone, but:
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”
(Revelation 21:4 ESV, emphasis mine)
Death does not have the last word. Christ had the last word when He spoke 'It is finished' on the sacred, wondrous cross and in this chapter in which He speaks:
And he who was seated on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” Also he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
“It is done! I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. To the thirsty I will give from the spring of the water of life without payment. The one who conquers will have this heritage, and I will be his God and he will be my son. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:6-8 ESV)
I include the entire context because it is both an immense comfort and joy, but also a poignant reminder of the great cost and consequence of sin. It is of utmost importance that we do not ignore this portion of scripture, or this facet of our God. He is not only perfectly Kind and perfectly filled with Grace and Comfort, but also perfectly Just.
Is that context of a fallen, broken world articulated any better than in the sorrows which surround? Can we believe in both the sovereignty and the goodness of God in the midst of such pain and heartache? Is our God big enough, and yet personal enough to handle our doubts, our anger, our frustrations, our questions, our fears, our expounding cries of "How long, oh Lord?"
But even more, that context is best articulated by the Cross...the cost...the precious blood of Jesus Christ. Who bore our sins, who bore our burdens. Who stepped down and walked through every heartache, burden and sorrow that this world has ever known...lived a sinless life, and paid the price for our sins. To demonstrate God's Love for us. http://www.esvbible.org/Romans+5/
"but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."
(Romans 5:8-11 ESV)
And so, not only is the consequence of sin articulated in the Cross of Jesus Christ, but also the immensity of the Love, the Grace, and the Justice of our God. Can therefore joy and sorrow be considered mutually exclusive? Perhaps they dwell together, illustrating not only the pang of living in this world, but displaying the Hope that is only found in Christ and ultimately the Glory of God.
As I reflect upon my heartaches and my losses...I am reminded of all this. These aren't easy questions
and these are not easy answers. They are gut-wrenching. God is not about the surface or the superficial, but He dives into the depths with us.
He does not ignore our very human needs and our shortcomings. He is present in the messy, the ugly, the emotionally torrential, in the storm...He knows our hearts better than we know our own...and His Love is greater than we can comprehend...both sovereign and great, personal and intimate...we look to the Cross, and we look to our Hope in the resurrection and truly "the life of the world to come"...
He wept, and He weeps with us. And He will wipe every tear from our eyes.
Here are a few links that have been of great comfort and perspective:
The grief of loss is such that we will all know it in the span of our lives. It will disturb everything we've once known, and shake us to the core. Pain will assail our hearts, and we will find ourselves helpless and empty-handed. That is the nature of grief. It takes no shortcuts. It has no straight path, but crossroads and corridors and forks and valleys and mountains are plenty.
There is One who bore our sins and our sorrows, who walks with us in the heartache, who leads us in the darkness and the storm.
He will never leave us, never forsake us, never abandon us.
And in the pit of deepest despair...true Hope is found. He brings purpose through the pain. And joy and sorrow dwell together. And our faith is authenticated through this process.
It's not as easy to swallow as the Gospel of Prosperity, for it seems more bitter than sweet at first taste,
but it is far more nourishing and far more valuable. More precious than gold or silver:
In suffering and pain, Christ is ever-present, and often, therein, the exceeding preciousness of the Savior of the World is found and known.
"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed."
It makes sense, I suppose, in light of everything that has happened.
That at the first sign of school-related stress, a massive surge of grief would be triggered.
The last time I felt the way I did today, was the night before the last final of my undergraduate career. Trying to write a paper, trying to study for a comprehensive exam, worrying about her. Only wanting to be near her. Knowing that everything I have ever known, was falling apart, again.
I called home...I found out...they couldn't even do Chemo. They couldn't do surgery. They couldn't do anything. She was just going to die. She was going to have to die that painful death, and we were just supposed to accept it.
The helplessness. The pain. The way I cried out, tears staining the floor as they drenched my face in a meeting room of our student union.
I so wish I could be okay by now. But it hasn't even been a year. And here, I am stepping into the anniversary time of so much loss and heartache. Sick of this dialogue. Sick of having to express it time after time after time after time. Sick of the fact that not one person knows how to properly relate [and for that, I lay no blame]. Sick of feeling as if I have no control over these emotions. Sick. SICK. sick.
But now that that is expressed, I'm going to go back to summarizing that scientific paper about seismic coupling in subduction zones.
So here displays the importance of expressing the pain and properly walking through it. It's really, really hard to be honest and transparent. It requires great vulnerability.
He knows. He understands. He cares. He promises to wipe away every tear. That's all I do know.
I wake up in the morning, often to the sprinklers outside my window, and realize I'm not in Minnesota anymore.
22 years of life, and here is this HUGE transition. So many facets of life that will never be the same.
So many losses in these past years, past months, past weeks...so many changes in family dynamics. So many things that will never be the same. Heartbreaking, heartwrenching, painful.... An emotional earthquake with aftershock after aftershock...I guess these past few years, you could say, have been very tectonically active? [I just read an article which related loss to an earthquake, and the geologist in me really took hold of that metaphor.]
I said farewell to friends, to family, and all things familiar and safe.
And here I am, in Ellensburg, Washington...trying to rediscover who I am, and who I am being transformed and molded to.
It's been absolutely terrifying, to be perfectly honest. It's been tearful and painful and confusing in many, many ways.
I never even knew Ellensburg existed before 6 months ago.
I found a church. It's called Mercer Creek. Before this past Sunday, I honestly hadn't been to a church service for months. And this year, it has honestly been few and far between. I really missed it. I missed the community. I missed the pure-hearted adoration of Jesus. I missed the fellowship and the Word.
This is hard to write about, but I know I want to eventually. I may state it briefly for now, and elaborate later when I am ready. It's not easy, by any means.
I was really, really hurt within a ministry, early this year. It resulted in a lot of painful questioning, including how I related to the Lord and to other Christians. It included how I related to worship and to prayer. It had me deeply questioning what was real and what was not, and it resulted in a lot of research and introspection.
Elitism does not belong in a Christian ministry. And when it becomes the focus and the underlying tone of a ministry, no matter how veiled it is, you are going to see some very bad fruit.
I've been really broken over this, for a long time. But, as I've grappled with and sorted through everything, and as I continue to, God continues to show His Faithfulness. He continues to show who He really is. How He can use even those broken, twisted, false things for His Glory in the end. His overarching sovereignty in this world and His Eternal Steadfastness in all things and throughout time, has been becoming a bigger and bigger reality to me. It has been beautiful. Painful and beautiful.
As I look up, to my left, I look upon a pair of praying hands. It is a plaque that was my great-grandparent's, and for many years, hung in my grandparent's home.
It now hangs in my own home, in dear Ellensburg,Washington.
It is a tender reminder for me to continually pray. A tender reminder to continually trust in He whose Hands hold me, carry me, lead me and guide me. He whose Hands were nailed to a cross for me...
I may be scared. I may be broken. I might just wake up in the morning and have absolutely no clue how I got to this time and to this place.
But I will embrace this new adventure. This Pilgrimage. This painful, beautiful, wonderful journey with my Savior and my King.
Wait, I can hardly wait To look into Your face When the world disappears into Your eyes Wait, I can hardly wait To hear Your sweet voice say You've done well, my good and faithful son Breathe, I can hardly breathe In anticipation Waiting for the day to come When You will shine on me Wait, I can hardly wait To bow down at Your feet Kiss the scars that bore my sins away Breathe, I can hardly breathe In anticipation Waiting for the day to come When You will shine on me
What can I say? What words can I bring?
He is my best friend. He is my Redeemer. He is my Righteousness.
I am broken and weary...
A wayward sinner. Cursed and shattered. Hurt and Lost.
I look around desperately for someplace to rest. For a refuge. For safety and shelter. Battered by the storm, I call out in the night. Only one place do I find the sanctuary for which my heart cries.
Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
-Psalm 91:1
He holds me. He cradles me. He sings over me.
His kindness and tenderness and deep love for me woos my heart. There is passion and pureness and a great filling of my deepest hunger and longings. In Him there is wholeness. In Him there is Peace.
There is a sweetness and a richness in His Arms. My heart knows it. My heart knows He is beautiful and sweet.
Submerged in grief, I find myself longing for a time of rejoicing again, but a breathe of air my lungs do not receive. A long and deep trench of mourning has been my way and my path. But lo, in the waters of grief and sorrow there is a treasure and a nearness to His Heart for which I will eternally rejoice. For my Savior knows too those depths, and His Heart is moved by my sorrow. He dove into those depths Himself and one day will wipe away every tear from every face.
For now, this is my cup and my portion. I do not know the way, but I know the One who tenderly takes me by the Hand and leads me forward. He leads me onward. He dismisses not my sorrows. He sees every tear that flows and falls. He treasures every one.
And there is Joy here. There is gladness. As deep as my sorrow cuts and as deep as the blood of Jesus flowed...there is Joy and Hope and Gladness.
How beautiful is He. How beautiful is He.
How Great is His Love. How personal and deep. How much more real than anything I have ever known? This is the One for whom my heart longs and beats.
And one day, one Day, my greatest dream. The deepest cry and longing of my heart:
I will look into His Eyes. I will meet Him face to Face. I will hear His sweet, sweet Voice. I will see the scars that rescued me.
I will praise Him.
Holy. Holy. Holy.
I will sing.
Until then,
I mourn, I hope, I sing, I praise, I seek, I hunger, I thirst,
I wait. I dream.
Breathe, I can hardly breathe In anticipation Waiting for the day to come When You will shine on me
Pain and sadness has lingered and stayed upon my heart all day long. This happens sometimes. Sometimes the right word, or the right song, or the right thought will come along and awaken something different. But sometimes, the pain just stays.
All day I have been looking for some answer to the pain...
Perhaps I'm not trusting Him enough...perhaps my eyes are not upon Him enough.
Isn't there Joy to be found in His Presence?
Certainly, but what brings us rightly into His Presence...but the Blood of the Lamb Who was slain.
In our brokenness, fragility? Indeed, we have no righteousness of our own.
There He Stands, our Advocate, our Savior.
...
And just because the waves are high, and the wind is wild, and turmoil surrounds.
And the pain rages on.
Does not mean that He is not faithful to my heart.
I cannot go around this storm.
I must go through it.
So for a while, pain shall remain. Emotional and spiritual wounds require healing just as physical ones do... And I will not deny myself this time of healing and resting.
I forget sometimes that healing is a process that often is very painful.
The answer to my pain?
What I suspected all along:
He is Faithful.
Why?
The question that is never far away But healing doesn't come from the explained Jesus please don't let this go in vain You're all I have All that remains
So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into Your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
Breathe Sometimes I feel it's all that I can do Pain so deep that I can hardly move Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You Lord take hold and pull me through
So here I am What's left of me Where glory meets my suffering
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into your arms open wide When the hurt and the healer collide
It's the moment when humanity Is overcome by majesty When grace is ushered in for good And all the scars are understood When mercy takes its rightful place And all these questions fade away When out of the weakness we must bow And hear You say "It's over now"
I'm alive Even though a part of me has died You take my heart and breathe it back to life I've fallen into your arms open wide When The hurt and the healer collide
Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here When the hurt and the healer collide [x2]
Jesus come and break my fear Awake my heart and take my tears Find Your glory even here
because even when they erupt and cause great destruction
