Mourn deeply

Mourn deeply… | Jesus Needs New PR

I stumbled upon this tonight. I can't describe how beautiful, validating, and affirming every word is to me. It was such a deep, deep blessing to read this vulnerable, raw expression written in the midst of a person's deep heartache, grief and mourning.

I will quote a part of it...

"This morning I woke up numb. My soul knows there’s something happening but it’s having a hard time feeling what’s happening. And I want to feel this.

I must feel this. Those of us who know and love Sara must mourn this completely.

Oh, I’ll be thrilled for Sara. No pain. No shots. No drugs. No questions.

Physically whole.

Spiritually whole.

But for us. We must mourn when it’s time to mourn. That’s one thing I feel like many of us who are Christians don’t know how to do: We don’t know how to mourn. We fear being sad. Deeply sad. We too often and too quickly jump to a rejoicing and celebrating and we don’t let our wounds open wide enough for grace and hope to seep inside…

And we all mourn in different ways and at different paces. And we can’t rush our soul’s ache. And we can’t rush another soul’s ache.

So when the time comes, mourn deeply. Choose to mourn deeply.

Because before we can choose joy, and Sara desires for us to choose joy, we must choose to mourn. We must choose to weep. We must choose to heal.

And then.

When it’s time. When our souls become filled up again, mostly whole again.

…then.

Joy becomes a choice.

And we will be healthy enough…

…full enough…

…hopeful enough…

to choose it."

That's how I feel. Right now. How I have felt for months...and for a time before that, too. 

Because the RAIN. KEEPS. FALLING.

and my heart keeps aching.

And "goodbye" is the hardest thing.

And as deep, deep, deep as we ache right now...we know He is with us. And He has so much to unveil to us...of His Heart for us...and how that ignites the deepest longings of our own hearts.

And the PROMISES. The ENCOUNTER. 

NOTHING compares to knowing Him. NOTHING. 

I've honestly never cried so hard. I mean...the noises that come from you...those deep, loud, grievous sobs that well up inside you and surprise you...because they are so heartache and agony-filled. They are so deep. They have cut so deep. They are so raw. So there. So sharp and poignant.  

And He finds them to be so, so beautiful. Which is strange for me. Because to me they seem so ugly, so scary, so out of control. But I'm starting to see how beautiful they are. Because I'm letting Him in...to those deep, dark depths...I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable, deeply vulnerable...I am allowing myself to feel and experience and know the pain that dwells deep, deep, deep inside.

And...He meets me there.

I have said many times that I have never known such pain or heartache before...

but I have never known such HOPE and PEACE and GRACE and LIFE and LOVE before either...

it's strange how those two can abide together...

I long for Heaven...for Jesus...for that Day to come...more deeply than anything.

Yet Will I Sing

Let this be the only love song I write;
May You be the only Love in my life.
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run;
So though I walk through the valley, yet will I trust.
I asked You to call me, I said I would come;
So though I go up the mountain, yet will I run

Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You.
Though my heart be slain within me:
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow You.

Cause I know whatever You do, You do through the eyes of mercy,
And nothing can be added to it, nothing can be taken away.
There is a time for every purpose under the heavens'
So though my weeping may last for the night,
Oh how Your joy, it comes with the light.
Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You.
Though my heart be slain within me:
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow after You.

Home

It was March 2010, it had been 5 months since Terry passed away, and the pain and shock was still so heavy and devastating. I was on my way home, driving the distance by myself for the very first time. It was a time when going home meant having to face the emptiness, it meant having to face the cold hard fact that he was gone...that I wouldn't see him in the yard, I wouldn't hear his laughter, I wouldn't be greeted by his smiling face...it was so hard. I was listening to a Christian radio station, and the song "In Christ Alone" was playing. It was a beautiful rendition, and I was singing along. 

Then it hit the very last verse:

"Til He returns, or calls me HOME."

There it was, the word "home". How my heart longed for it...for wholeness again, for fellowship again, for Him to finally wipe every tear from my eyes.

And I said to myself, "I would just love if that song Homesick would play by MercyMe...I just want to hear it right now, but that would never happen..."

There was some speaking before the next song, and I was pondering all this...and then suddenly...

I began to hear the instrumental introduction to that very song. Tears of joy and sadness just poured out. Joy because the beauty of just knowing that He had heard me, and what an expression of LOVE, COMFORT, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION for my broken, aching, longing heart. And what an affirmation of His Promises, what an encouragement, what a blessing. It was so, so beautiful. And I just cried, because every word penetrated my heart and soul. The sadness, the pain, the sorrow, the brokenness, the aching, the longings...HOMESICK. Longing for Home. Longing for wholeness. Longing for Jesus. 

 ¹ How lovely is your dwelling place, 

   LORD Almighty! 

² My soul yearns, even faints, 

   for the courts of the LORD; 

my heart and my flesh cry out 

   for the living God. 

³ Even the sparrow has found a home, 

   and the swallow a nest for herself, 

   where she may have her young— 

a place near your altar, 

   LORD Almighty, my King and my God. 

⁴ Blessed are those who dwell in your house; 

   they are ever praising you.

 ⁵ Blessed are those whose strength is in you, 

   whose hearts are set on pilgrimage. 

⁶ As they pass through the Valley of Baka, 

   they make it a place of springs; 

   the autumn rains also cover it with pools.

⁷ They go from strength to strength, 

   till each appears before God in Zion.

 ⁸ Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty; 

   listen to me, God of Jacob. 

⁹ Look on our shield, O God; 

   look with favor on your anointed one.

 ¹⁰ Better is one day in your courts 

   than a thousand elsewhere; 

I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God 

   than dwell in the tents of the wicked. 

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield; 

   the LORD bestows favor and honor; 

no good thing does he withhold 

   from those whose walk is blameless.

 ¹² LORD Almighty, 

   blessed is the one who trusts in you.

-Psalm 84

A Raw Look at a Grieving Heart

The following was written on my 21st birthday and the response, three months later, on the anniversary date. I have been healed deeply, but still, tears can come in an instant. That's what tragedy does. It doesn't leave you the same.

I just want to post this...it's a glance into a grieving heart. It is raw. It was written in the moment. That is what grief is sometimes...it's just, there. And it's just...really comforting to know how deeply God cares.

So...here it is...


My heart still aches. Ohh, I wanted you to be here with us so badly. It's not fair. I didn't want to watch her drive home to be alone. I hate that...I want you here. I wanted you to be there to tease me about boys, to joke and tell stories that would make us laugh so hard we cry. Now I'm crying because you are gone. I want to hear your voice sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I want to be near you, I want to sit down and talk to you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much it hurts. How much of a void there is here without you. Maybe that is why I feel so angry sometimes when I am home. I look across the yard, and you are not there. I long so badly to see you on your mower, to see you down by the water or out in your boat. For you to drive over and say "hello". I don't understand!!! I know, you're in a wonderful, beautiful place...I know you didn't want to leave us...but it was just far too incredible. I know that God has a plan...I know He is Good despite the pain that plagues my heart day in and day out. I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm sorry I miss you so much, still. Sometimes I don't realize why I'm hurting so much until I just cry...and think...and realize that...I'm still not okay yet...

God understands my grieving heart more than I ever could...

Does He ever give you insight? 

I don't mean to be so sad. I just...really, really miss you.

I wish you would have been there to see me turn 21. Maybe you were looking down and smiling...

I love you.

Kaitlyn

---------
Today marks two years since the day when tragedy unfolded. Here we are, still hurting, remembering. Remembering you. And as beautiful it is to let go...sometimes that letting go means that we have to feel the pain that is still there...sometimes letting go means to take the Hand of the One who knows our own hearts and our needs more than we do...and allowing Him to cradle us as the waves billow over us once more. I have to slow down today...because I want to just push through this and say that I'm okay now. But, I don't think I am. And I am okay with that. Because healing isn't found when we ignore the ache of our hearts. It is found when we recognize it and offer it to the One who understands more than we ever could. More than anyone in this world ever could. The world keeps going, the world says "push on forward". I will. I will go forward. But in order to go forward, I must slow down and rest in the Arms of the One who Heals all wounds.

Acres of Hope

ACRES OF HOPE

by Shane Barnard and Robbie Seay

He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good

She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together

We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope

“Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.”

"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.' 

-Hosea 2:14-16

When The Tears Fall

When the pain is seemingly insurmountable. When hopes and dreams, like delicate flowers, slowly begin to reblossom, only to be trampled and blown by another torrent of sorrow and loss and despair. When longings and desires leave us desperate and thirsty and empty handed once more:

His Love is greater still.

And although we may not see, and although we may not understand, His Hand is still upon us. 

As we go about our days. As we move from place to place. His Love doesn't leave us. 

He does not abandon us. 

And the ache we feel and carry with us is a steadfast reminder that this is not our Home.

And as empty handed as we are, we lift them up to praise Him. And we are blessed beyond measure. Filled with Hope and Peace beyond what we could ever understand. He meets us in our suffering, and we begin to identify with the Cross more and more. We are purified, renewed, healed, and redeemed.

And adorned with the HOPE that one day we will see His complete REDEMPTION with our very eyes. 

And He will wipe every tear away. 

15Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night within his temple; and he who sits upon the throne will shelter them with his presence. 16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. 17 For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."

Revelation 7:15-17

Mighty Wave