I remember this summer...after last Christmas was so brutal and filled with loss...and how the months that followed were so heart-wrenching and grief-filled.
That longing for authenticity.
And by authenticity, I mean a deep, deep longing to know Him more. To know His Heart for me. To know His Heart for this world. For the sorrow. For the heartache. For the suffering.
His Whispers. His Whisper to my heart. Calling me deeper, closer, nearer.
I suppose, I am weary of speaking and writing of grief. But when you lose, and lose, and lose some more...
...it consumes your thoughts and makes your heart very heavy. And you have to express it. You have to just let it out. I think God wants to use it, too. To bring Healing. To bring Redemption. To mend the broken. To show His Love in and through the painful circumstances.
Because beyond the great, terrible, aching, all-consuming pain and heart-cry and agony...
There is His LOVE. And truly, TRULY it is GREATER. He is GREATER. He is STRONGER.
Because He cares. He carries us and longs for us. He sees our hurt, our anger, our helplessness, our weariness, our bitterness, our confusion, our longing...longing for wholeness once more.
And He has COMPASSION. And UNDERSTANDING. He is not far off. He is NEAR. He cradles us. He runs His Hand through our hair like the dear FATHER He is, and He cradles us, comforts us.
We need to know Him. That's what we were created for. And He's waiting for, longing after, desiring our hearts. He longs to fill all that is empty. All that is void. He longs to mend all that is broken.
And when the storm rages. And rages. And rages. RELENTLESSLY. seemingly, relentlessly.
He is cradling us in His Arms. We may not see it. We may not feel it through the deep, deep pain. But He will meet us there. We have to let Him in. He's knocking. Bidding us, "COME HOME".
Come deeper. Let Him draw you in. Let His Sweetness draw you in. He sent His only Son, and the volume that this speaks of His Love is SO GREAT. You are welcome to come just as you are. Ashes, and all.
I am frail. Shattered. Broken. Aching. Longing. Desperate.
Afraid.
Stepping into a very new place...terrified beyond all measure.
That's me.
But then, there is my Savior.
He is Tender, Kind, Gentle, Compassionate.
A Hero. A Warrior. A Victor.
The Lion and the Lamb.
Does it not just stir your heart?
How I want my heart to just know it and beat for it. For His Presence. He sees me. He knows me. He cares for me. He beckons me. He draws me in. He delights in me. He rejoices over me. He intercedes for me. He calls me His Lily, His Flower. My Heart, a Garden.
Every time. Every time tragedy strikes. Every moment in which sorrow overwhelms my heart...
I have the choice to turn away from Him, or turn to Him.
And the Enemy will attack and assail with lies and lies and lies and fear and the temptation to despair.
Letting go of the pretenses now. This is something deeper than it appears. This is a soul battle.
Suffering...the design of the Enemy to destroy your Faith. The design of God to build your Faith and prove it genuine and true and pure and real before yourself and others.
Born again to a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, 4to an inheritance that is imperishable, undefiled, and unfading, kept in heaven for you, 5who by God’s power are being guarded through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. 6In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 8Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, 9obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls. -1 Peter 1
So here is my proclamation through the storm, out of the depths of desperation, sorrow, longing, anguish, fear, agony, aching, heartache:
My God is greater. I will trust Him. I am frail and broken, but He is STRONG. And He will sustain me. His Grace covers me.
My soul my falter and fail, but my God never will.
“Our vision is so limited we can hardly imagine a love that does not show itself in protection from suffering. The love of God is of a different nature altogether. It does not hate tragedy. It never denies reality. It stands in the very teeth of suffering. The love of God did not protect His own Son. This was the proof of His love – that He gave that Son, that He let Him go to Calvary’s cross, though “legions of angels” might have rescued Him. He will not necessarily protect us- not from anything it takes to make us like His Son. A lot of hammering and chiseling and purifying by fire will have to go into the process.” ― Elisabeth Elliot
I stumbled upon this tonight. I can't describe how beautiful, validating, and affirming every word is to me. It was such a deep, deep blessing to read this vulnerable, raw expression written in the midst of a person's deep heartache, grief and mourning.
I will quote a part of it...
"This morning I woke up numb. My soul knows there’s something happening but it’s having a hard time feeling what’s happening. And I want to feel this.
I must feel this. Those of us who know and love Sara must mourn this completely.
Oh, I’ll be thrilled for Sara. No pain. No shots. No drugs. No questions.
Physically whole.
Spiritually whole.
But for us. We must mourn when it’s time to mourn. That’s one thing I feel like many of us who are Christians don’t know how to do: We don’t know how to mourn. We fear being sad. Deeply sad. We too often and too quickly jump to a rejoicing and celebrating and we don’t let our wounds open wide enough for grace and hope to seep inside…
And we all mourn in different ways and at different paces. And we can’t rush our soul’s ache. And we can’t rush another soul’s ache.
So when the time comes, mourn deeply. Choose to mourn deeply.
Because before we can choose joy, and Sara desires for us to choose joy, we must choose to mourn. We must choose to weep. We must choose to heal.
And then.
When it’s time. When our souls become filled up again, mostly whole again.
…then.
Joy becomes a choice.
And we will be healthy enough…
…full enough…
…hopeful enough…
to choose it."
That's how I feel. Right now. How I have felt for months...and for a time before that, too.
Because the RAIN. KEEPS. FALLING.
and my heart keeps aching.
And "goodbye" is the hardest thing.
And as deep, deep, deep as we ache right now...we know He is with us. And He has so much to unveil to us...of His Heart for us...and how that ignites the deepest longings of our own hearts.
And the PROMISES. The ENCOUNTER.
NOTHING compares to knowing Him. NOTHING.
I've honestly never cried so hard. I mean...the noises that come from you...those deep, loud, grievous sobs that well up inside you and surprise you...because they are so heartache and agony-filled. They are so deep. They have cut so deep. They are so raw. So there. So sharp and poignant.
And He finds them to be so, so beautiful. Which is strange for me. Because to me they seem so ugly, so scary, so out of control. But I'm starting to see how beautiful they are. Because I'm letting Him in...to those deep, dark depths...I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable, deeply vulnerable...I am allowing myself to feel and experience and know the pain that dwells deep, deep, deep inside.
And...He meets me there.
I have said many times that I have never known such pain or heartache before...
but I have never known such HOPE and PEACE and GRACE and LIFE and LOVE before either...
it's strange how those two can abide together...
I long for Heaven...for Jesus...for that Day to come...more deeply than anything.
Let this be the only love song I write;
May You be the only Love in my life.
I asked You to draw me, I said I would run;
So though I walk through the valley, yet will I trust.
I asked You to call me, I said I would come;
So though I go up the mountain, yet will I run
Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You.
Though my heart be slain within me:
Yet will I trust; yet will I follow You.
Cause I know whatever You do, You do through the eyes of mercy,
And nothing can be added to it, nothing can be taken away.
There is a time for every purpose under the heavens'
So though my weeping may last for the night,
Oh how Your joy, it comes with the light. Though my song be taken from me:
Yet will I sing; yet will I praise You.
Though the joy be taken from me:
Yet will I laugh; yet will I shout unto You.
Though the light be hidden from me:
Yet will I walk; yet will I run after You. Though my heart be slain within me: Yet will I trust; yet will I follow after You.
It was March 2010, it had been 5 months since Terry passed away, and the pain and shock was still so heavy and devastating. I was on my way home, driving the distance by myself for the very first time. It was a time when going home meant having to face the emptiness, it meant having to face the cold hard fact that he was gone...that I wouldn't see him in the yard, I wouldn't hear his laughter, I wouldn't be greeted by his smiling face...it was so hard. I was listening to a Christian radio station, and the song "In Christ Alone" was playing. It was a beautiful rendition, and I was singing along.
Then it hit the very last verse:
"Til He returns, or calls me HOME."
There it was, the word "home". How my heart longed for it...for wholeness again, for fellowship again, for Him to finally wipe every tear from my eyes.
And I said to myself, "I would just love if that song Homesick would play by MercyMe...I just want to hear it right now, but that would never happen..."
There was some speaking before the next song, and I was pondering all this...and then suddenly...
I began to hear the instrumental introduction to that very song. Tears of joy and sadness just poured out. Joy because the beauty of just knowing that He had heard me, and what an expression of LOVE, COMFORT, UNDERSTANDING, COMPASSION for my broken, aching, longing heart. And what an affirmation of His Promises, what an encouragement, what a blessing. It was so, so beautiful. And I just cried, because every word penetrated my heart and soul. The sadness, the pain, the sorrow, the brokenness, the aching, the longings...HOMESICK. Longing for Home. Longing for wholeness. Longing for Jesus.
1 How lovely is your dwelling place,
LORD Almighty!
2 My soul yearns, even faints,
for the courts of the LORD;
my heart and my flesh cry out
for the living God.
3 Even the sparrow has found a home,
and the swallow a nest for herself,
where she may have her young—
a place near your altar,
LORD Almighty, my King and my God.
4 Blessed are those who dwell in your house;
they are ever praising you.
5 Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
whose hearts are set on pilgrimage.
6 As they pass through the Valley of Baka,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
7 They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
8 Hear my prayer, LORD God Almighty;
listen to me, God of Jacob.
9 Look on our shield, O God;
look with favor on your anointed one.
10 Better is one day in your courts
than a thousand elsewhere;
I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God
The following was written on my 21st birthday and the response, three months later, on the anniversary date. I have been healed deeply, but still, tears can come in an instant. That's what tragedy does. It doesn't leave you the same.
I just want to post this...it's a glance into a grieving heart. It is raw. It was written in the moment. That is what grief is sometimes...it's just, there. And it's just...really comforting to know how deeply God cares.
So...here it is...
My heart still aches. Ohh, I wanted you to be here with us so badly. It's not fair. I didn't want to watch her drive home to be alone. I hate that...I want you here. I wanted you to be there to tease me about boys, to joke and tell stories that would make us laugh so hard we cry. Now I'm crying because you are gone. I want to hear your voice sing "Happy Birthday" to me. I want to be near you, I want to sit down and talk to you. I want to tell you how much you mean to me. How much it hurts. How much of a void there is here without you. Maybe that is why I feel so angry sometimes when I am home. I look across the yard, and you are not there. I long so badly to see you on your mower, to see you down by the water or out in your boat. For you to drive over and say "hello". I don't understand!!! I know, you're in a wonderful, beautiful place...I know you didn't want to leave us...but it was just far too incredible. I know that God has a plan...I know He is Good despite the pain that plagues my heart day in and day out. I'm sorry I'm not better. I'm sorry I miss you so much, still. Sometimes I don't realize why I'm hurting so much until I just cry...and think...and realize that...I'm still not okay yet...
God understands my grieving heart more than I ever could...
Does He ever give you insight?
I don't mean to be so sad. I just...really, really miss you.
I wish you would have been there to see me turn 21. Maybe you were looking down and smiling...
I love you.
Kaitlyn
---------
Today marks two years since the day when tragedy unfolded. Here we are, still hurting, remembering. Remembering you. And as beautiful it is to let go...sometimes that letting go means that we have to feel the pain that is still there...sometimes letting go means to take the Hand of the One who knows our own hearts and our needs more than we do...and allowing Him to cradle us as the waves billow over us once more. I have to slow down today...because I want to just push through this and say that I'm okay now. But, I don't think I am. And I am okay with that. Because healing isn't found when we ignore the ache of our hearts. It is found when we recognize it and offer it to the One who understands more than we ever could. More than anyone in this world ever could. The world keeps going, the world says "push on forward". I will. I will go forward. But in order to go forward, I must slow down and rest in the Arms of the One who Heals all wounds.
He will allure her
He will pursue her
And call her out
To wilderness with flowers in His hand
She is responding
Beat up and hurting
Deserving death
But offerings of life are found instead
She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
Here in the valley
Walk close beside me
Don’t look back
For love is growing vineyards up ahead
You have called me master
And though you’re in the dark here
Call me friend
And call me lover and marry me for good
She will sing
She will sing
Oh, to You
She will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead her away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope
How the story ends is
Love and tenderness in Him
Not safe, but worth it
So the valley’s up ahead
Or the ones we live
We’ll sing together
We’ll sing together
We will sing
We will sing
Oh, to You
We will sing as in the days of youth
As You lead us away
To valleys low
To acres of hope
Acres of hope “Lord, sustain me in the valley. Give me ears to hear Your sweet tender voice and lead me in to acres of hope in this dry and weary land.”
"Therefore I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her. There I will give her back her vineyards, and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth, as in the day she came up out of Egypt. ‘In that day,’ declares the LORD,’you will call me 'my husband'; you will no longer call me 'my master.'
When the pain is seemingly insurmountable. When hopes and dreams, like delicate flowers, slowly begin to reblossom, only to be trampled and blown by another torrent of sorrow and loss and despair. When longings and desires leave us desperate and thirsty and empty handed once more:
His Love is greater still.
And although we may not see, and although we may not understand, His Hand is still upon us.
As we go about our days. As we move from place to place. His Love doesn't leave us.
He does not abandon us.
And the ache we feel and carry with us is a steadfast reminder that this is not our Home.
And as empty handed as we are, we lift them up to praise Him. And we are blessed beyond measure. Filled with Hope and Peace beyond what we could ever understand. He meets us in our suffering, and we begin to identify with the Cross more and more. We are purified, renewed, healed, and redeemed.
And adorned with the HOPE that one day we will see His complete REDEMPTION with our very eyes.
And He will wipe every tear away.
15Therefore are they before the throne of God, and serve him day and night within his temple; and he who sits upon the throne will shelter them with his presence. 16 They shall hunger no more, neither thirst any more; the sun shall not strike them, nor any scorching heat. 17 For the Lamb in the midst of the throne will be their shepherd, and he will guide them to springs of living water; and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes."
So often lately, I have been tempted to despair. Five weeks in the wilderness, in the desert, not only in literal terms, but spiritual as well. The lack of rest, the stressful circumstances, the many lost, broken and restless hearts all around me, and the ever-present ache of grief still tearing me apart inside...
At the beginning of the journey, I was able to spend time with Him. As time went on, however, weariness struck and my strength wore thin. At the time I needed Him most, I began to feel far away from Him. My time and energy consumed by projects, assignments, and studying. A sense of failure and despondency plagued my heart...
And so came a downward spiral, in which old fears emerged and the hope and beauty of His Promises forgotten, in the midst of confusion and pain. Present still, but shadowed by the weight of sin, oppression, and overwhelming sorrow.
I wanted to be brave and hold on, but I had been doing that for so long. What of this past winter? In which, every day, I was in a state of survival. Plagued with a depth of pain and sorrow that left me with an aching heart, an inability to remember, focus or concentrate, and my faith tested beyond what I could had ever imagined.
I was so tired of aching.
Run away. Run away.
Run away from the pain.
Into the depths of fear and lies, hopelessness, despondency and
Despair.
...
But the message of Grace runs far deeper...
He met me there. In that place of fear and pain, just as He always does. Slowly, He began to speak to my heart. To whisper His Love and Grace to me, and sing the song of Redemption to my soul. Like a desert flower, beautifully blooming as the rain falls and brings life once more, I responded. His Grace covered me, His Grace reminded me again of the Hope and Promises I have in Him. His Grace has washed the fear and shame away...
And He said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. -2 Corinthians 12:9
He has gone to the very depths. He walked through all that we have ever walked through. He has known the deepest heartache, sorrow, pain, temptation, abandonment, scorn, and despair. The Man of Sorrows. He carried the weight of all our sin. And He rose in Victory. We are risen with Him.
And we wait for Him, in joyful hope; for His Promises, His Love, His Grace, are unfailing.
Isaiah 35: 1-2
The desert will rejoice, and flowers will bloom in the wastelands. The desert will sing and shout for joy; it will be as beautiful as the Lebanon Mountains and as fertile as the fields of Carmel and Sharon. Everyone will see the Lord's splendor, see his greatness and power.
"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just less found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
'Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"
"Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him, I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon
I'll be going to the place He has prepared for me
Then my sin erased, my shame forgotten
Soon and very soon
I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon
See the procession
The angels and the elders round the throne
At His feet I'll lay
My crowns, my worship
Soon and very soon
I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Though I have not seen Him
My heart knows Him well
Jesus Christ the Lamb, the Lord of heaven
I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon
Soon and very soon"
I wish I could write something that echoes the beauty and Truth that lies in these two songs. Longing for Jesus...our hearts and our eyes set on Heaven, set on Eternity...with Him...He is coming for His Bride.
"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared"
How lovely is that? When this world leaves us broken and weary and alone...we can conclude that we are just not made for here? That our hearts weren't meant to be satisfied by anything or anyone here on Earth. When the day leaves you saddened and your heart and soul torn...yes, it is painful for this moment...but how deeply does it show us that we aren't where we belong? And when this momentary affliction is such a burden to carry and the world just seems to neither notice nor care...who loves us, who comforts us, who understands, who asks us to rest in Him and offers to carry those burdens? Not only the burdens of our day, but the burdens of our lives...the burden of all our sins. And sometimes it's hard to turn to Him...because the world will offer us these pretty things that only serve to isolate us further from His Love...that perhaps may seem attractive and nice from the outside...but only leave us more empty still. And yet...when we are adulterers once more...He still calls us Home...He says "Come my Child, enter in and Rest..."
"Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And you'll taste new life
You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery."
-Beloved by Tenth Avenue North
I think it is important that we test our hearts...that we examine them and recognize when and whether our hearts are truly set on Jesus or on the things of the world. He is filled with Mercy and Grace, but if we truly Love Him, we will be changed by Him...and as we fix our eyes upon Him...the things of this world truly will grow strangely dim. The world and the Enemy will continue to try to distract us and seduce us, and our unfaithful and sinful nature will always be something that we must fight against until that Day comes. But we have Victory and Authority in Him. There is Power and Majesty and Holiness and Authority in the Name of Jesus Christ. In the Cross. By His Blood.
But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was on him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
-Isaiah 53:5
I recently read in a book by Joshua Harris that we should not allow the familiarity of the Gospel, of the Cross, of what Christ us done for us...to distract us from the life-changing, beauty of it.
"As Christians, we “know” certain things such as “Jesus loves me” and “Christ has died for sinners.” We’ve heard these statements countless times, but the dust of familiarity can dim the glory of these simple truths. We have to brush them off and remind ourselves of their life transforming power."
Life-transforming. Heart-changing. Every time I hear it I want it to stir my heart and remind me and affirm to me the Glory and Beauty and Humility and Grace and Majesty and Love and Wonder of Jesus Christ.
"I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon"
The Spirit and the bride say, "Come." Let anyone who hears this say, "Come." Let anyone who is thirsty come. Let anyone who desires drink freely from the water of life.
I went for a walk this evening. A late winter's walk on our quiet, curving road. The moonlight illuminated the snow and lit my path. As I gazed at the sky, the stars and the clouds came together in a beautiful array. The moon was very bright, and as the clouds closed in, a halo began to surround it. A moondog. Spectacular. I walked on the snow-laden dirt road, singing and thinking and praying and confiding in my God and Savior and Dearest Friend.
I have a harder time finding moments like these in Moorhead, as much as I love it there. I like being home. I like seeing the lake as it begins to open up. Last year I got to watch it open up completely. That was beautiful. I love watching Creation awaken again as Winter melts away to unveil the beauty and newness of Spring. This Winter has been one of the longest I've ever known. The Hope of Spring stirs my heart in ways deeper than I have ever known before...it reminds me so deeply of the Promises we have from our God. Promises of complete renewal, complete redemption, complete restoration. Revelation 21 always comes to mind, especially the first five verses. "Behold, I make all things NEW" -Revelation 21:5
Today was Terry's birthday. He would have been 65. 3/14 and Pi day. He loved math, and he loved pie. Especially lemon meringue. He came to every one of my birthdays. He was always there. He always helped me when I needed to understand something with math, and although I don't remember us eating pie together while we worked on my math homework, I do remember having bread pudding. That was so special. So very special. So very precious.
We helped Margo clean their house today. We spent all morning together after we cleaned. We had coffee and cookies and laughed and shared memories. So many memories there. I thought of him a lot as I vacuumed. Every corner has a memory. I helped Margo lift something, so she could dust, and she told me that that's what Terry would always do for her. I like being at their house. When I'm there, I miss him so much, but just to be there and missing him...well, I like that better than being anywhere else and missing him.
It's really nice to write about him. It really helps. The whole reason I started writing this was because I stumbled upon a beautiful song. It was one of those moments when you hear a song that just resonates with your own heart. This may bring me back to the beginning. As I embarked on that beautiful late-winter stroll, I began to pour my heart out to my Savior and Friend. I told Him again of the brokenness that remains, the mangled heart and tattered soul within me. How I just don't understand. How I long for wholeness again. How lost and alone and shaken I feel. That's one thing about death. You become so acutely aware of the consequences of living in a sinful, fallen, broken world. You become so acutely aware of the separation, the isolation, the emptiness, and the brokenness.
I wrote this earlier this week: When I cry and weep, it is with Hope. I greatly miss my loved ones. I know I will see them again. I know I will be with them again. But right now, I weep for a relationship that is broken, a fellowship that has been broken, for dreams lost...by death, by sin. Because this is not what God Created. Death is the result of sin. Now, my hope is in the Promise that I will see them again. The only beautiful thing about death, is that my loved ones are no longer in this place of suffering and pain and sin, they are with God, in fellowship with Him. And that is my longing too...to be with God, to be with them. To be in fellowship with God alongside them. Eternity was written on our hearts. This weeping and grieving I have is because I am homesick, but I have a Hope deeper than words.
And this Hope is from God. He is Faithful. He is Good. He is Beautiful. And He shall redeem and restore us. He Will Build Us Back. And this song voices and proclaims that most precious Hope.
11O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colours, and lay thy foundations with sapphires. 12And I will make thy windows of agates, and thy gates of carbuncles, and all thy borders of pleasant stones. 13And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children. -Isaiah 54:11-13
I feel like it's been long enough...I'm weary of being weary. I'm tired of the moments when the pain just washes over me once again, in the moments I least expect. Something sparks a memory, and it reminds me again of what's been lost. The broken hearts of so many...the many lives torn apart by death, by sin, by this tattered ground we walk upon.
Friday night and much of Saturday, I found myself pounded by intense grief, pain, and sorrow once more. And the enemy was whispering lies to my heart relentlessly...lies about my pain and sorrow, lies about my worth, lies about who I am in Christ. Terrible, terrible lies. And I allowed them to wash over me. Battered by guilt, shame, condemnation, self-pity, thoughts of worthlessness...
Where Could I Go? - Adie Camp
I am not worthy!! I am not. I am broken and sinful and selfish and torn apart by sin. Deserving of death. And that is the Truth. And yet, the far deeper, more beautiful, redeeming, life-giving Truth is that by the Precious Blood and Sacrifice of Jesus Christ, I am made WHOLE. I am made NEW. I am FORGIVEN. Not by anything I have done, not by anything I could ever do or prove. But because of GRACE. ONLY by the Blood of Jesus. Given by the Grace of God. I am completely undeserving. Completely. And yet He loves me. He created me. He finds me precious and beautiful. He treasures me and rejoices when I look to Him, when I call upon His Name, when I have fellowship with Him. What Love is this? It's beyond anything this earth could ever have to offer us. He unveils His Heart to me and sings to me the song of my heart. He breathes life into me. He transforms me. He invites me in and He delights in me. He speaks His Promises into my life and I am changed. He is near to me. He provides for me. I am not my own. I am not alone. I have been praying to truly know and understand my identity in Him. I am His. His daughter, His beloved. And He is my Savior, my Righteousness, my Life, my Strength, my Song. I will not allow selfish pride and false humility tell me anything different any longer. I will rest in His Truth and His Promises. I am His. Washed by the Precious Blood of Jesus.
At church at River City this morning, we sang this beautiful hymn during communion. After being battered so relentlessly, and so overcome with sorrow, I felt unworthy again to draw near to Him. Fear assailed my heart and grief and mourning hearkened deeper still...
Come Ye Sinners - Scott Krippayne
And once more...He showed me His incredible Faithfulness...His Love...His Love, deeper than I could ever understand, enveloped me and He asked me to rest...to continue to rest in Him and trust in Him with all that I am. In every moment. As I walk through this wilderness...through this storm. He will hold my hand and lead me. He will carry me. He will bring me rest. He will fill my heart with peace, with joy, with hope. Deeper and deeper with Him. And I will rest in the Shelter of His Wings.
Yes. I am torn. I am broken, I am wounded, I am weary. I long to be whole again. I long for what was lost. But nothing is ever truly lost in Him. He will restore. He will renew. Completely. I will one day have fellowship with my loved ones. And we will be together with Him and in Him. There will be a day. He will come in Glory.
And I offer my dear friend to Him...I know that He is faithful and His works are mighty. He is Mighty to Save. He is working on her heart. Prayer is powerful. He is working on her heart and moving in her life. I believe this is true.
He asks me to be patient with myself. He asks me to allow Him to guide me through my days, through my grief and sorrow. Along this path, this winding, narrow road. And He calms my soul. He will mend my broken heart in His Perfect Time. For He is Faithful.
"All who sail the sea of faith, find out before too long, how quickly blue skies can grow dark and gentle winds grow strong. Suddenly fear is like white water pounding on the soul. Still we sail on knowing that our Lord is in control. Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered peace, be still. He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will. Sometimes He holds us close, and lets the wind and waves go wild. Sometimes He calms the storm...and other times He calms His child."
Carry Me - Audrey Assad
Psalm 57
57:1 Be merciful to me, O God, be merciful to me, for in you my soul takes refuge;
in the shadow of your wings I will take refuge, till the storms of destruction pass by. 2 I cry out to God Most High, to God who fulfills his purpose for me. 3 He will send from heaven and save me; he will put to shame him who tramples on me. Selah
God will send out his steadfast love and his faithfulness!
4 My soul is in the midst of lions; I lie down amid fiery beasts—
the children of man, whose teeth are spears and arrows, whose tongues are sharp swords.
5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!
6 They set a net for my steps; my soul was bowed down.
They dug a pit in my way, but they have fallen into it themselves. 7 My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast!
I will sing and make melody! 8 Awake, my glory![2]
Awake, O harp and lyre! I will awake the dawn! 9 I will give thanks to you, O Lord, among the peoples; I will sing praises to you among the nations. 10 For your steadfast love is great to the heavens, your faithfulness to the clouds.
11 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens! Let your glory be over all the earth!
